i love my fam

i am wrapping up a week that i spent in coronado with my brother and his family. tons of fun and sun and i don't want to leave quite yet so i'll make a quick trip to the beach early in the morning before my flight.

some of my friends got to come out, that was fun. robin, edie (a baby), and larissa flew down with me to hang out and visit their respective families. mark and his friend mike came on their way back from getting mark's wisdom tooth pulled in mexico.

i knew that mark would love the kids. luckily he got a fair dose of them today, they were cute and hilarious as usual. mike really bonded with kate and her version of "old mcdonald" on the guitar. she even tried to convince the boys to let her keep the busted up guitar that they got in tj, mexico.

mike said it just makes him want to have a whole bunch of kids. since this is the family with triplets, all the kids are about the same age and energy level.. 5 kids from ages 2-7. then mark said that you'd have to have three at once, though, to make it this fun, and asked kate if she ever wishes she was a quintuplet instead of a triplet so that she'd have two more kids her age to play with. she immediately said, "yeeeeees" in her wishful, woeful tone, as if she had thought about this a lot in sadness. it really cracked us up.

it was great to see dionne (my sis) and her kids as well when they came up for the weekend. lots of love! megan and i really boogie borded for a good long time.. i always feel like i will be sad when my nieces and nephews get older, but really it's a lot of fun. megan always likes to fool people, though, and told me she was 10. i really shouldn't have believed it even though it's only a year from the truth.

parents came up tonight to help take care of jeff and court's kids while courtney goes out of town.. that'll be interesting! i want to nanny next time.. good to see them, though. good luck to them with the crazy kids. my advise is focus on how cute and funny they are and don't get caught up trying to control the volume/drama. they are wild and so much fun.

I did everything today because today has lasted 19 hours so far. Canoeing, care taking, home making, number-crunching, crushing, cooking, learning, teaching, magic.

I forgot to eat and to drink water because so much was going on. I want to take a break from medication and see what that is like. I guess I can have a positive expectation and if it fails, fall-back. I guess I've been afraid of feeling so out of control and scared in the way that I felt before all of this happened. But I have learned a great deal and I feel like my life is safe, secure, predictable, and full, which I think is a very good foundation for risk-taking in this way. When I was in school I could not experiment with taking a vacation from my meds because I felt I had too much to lose and had already an abundance of evaluations from my faculty excusing(/accusing) me of deadlines and other disfunction for personal/health reasons. I will be seeing my Dr. of course.

I just wrapped up my abnormally long and full day by eating and drinking for the first time in over 17 hours. It feels really strange, like I just reminded my body that I am a person, not just a force. Something about the chaos and creativity makes me feel very alive, but I feel almost certain today that I do not have a calling in life other than to live it as simply and honestly as I can, with room for my passions/needs included. I want to love someone lastingly, start a small and simple business (I've got a pretty good plan!), and spend the rest of my time doing the things I do now. I think I will stop trying to sell people my music because it does not work or bring me fulfillment of any sort, nor will it ever unless by chance I become as famous as Fall-Out Boy (HA!) and somehow... as lasting as Radiohead or REM. Is there room in our culture for this lasting respect?? I guess if it is deserved. But this should not be confused: I hardly want or deserve the responsibility to speak to the masses about everything.. I just want to share what I know, emotionally.

I really need to get my camera fixed so I can spice this thing up a bit. No one likes a picture-less blog!

dudes will be dudes.

no that is not a new movie title, it's a new philosophy.

Too Many Moms II Screamin' at My Birthday

yay

i just found a list of fake movie titles johnny and mike and i called and asked for, as a prank when we were somewhere strange like vermillion, nc.

here goes

Too Many Moms
Too Many Moms III Hatin' My Dad
Too Many Moms IV Far Too Many Moms
Pork to the Butcher
We Crave More (what are these last two? i dunnooo)
Hard Candy, "no not the drama, the pornographic version"
Soft Moms II, Fightin' With Crime
Ham For A Dime
Screaming at Mimes
Slammin' With Shrines
Slammin' With Spines
Slammin' With Slime
Slammin' With Limes
Lemons With Limes
Strawberry Wine
Slammin' Through Time
Womens with Mimes
Fastin' and Feastin'
Schemin' With Randy
Shavin' w/ Rodman
Brokeback Fountain
Backpack Fountain
Runaway Amy
Kareoke w/ Porky
Porky n' Me
Wives Who Can Rhyme
Google Movie
Dads N' Kids
Brokeback Socket (?)
Clerks (again I say ?)
Shakin' My Tendrils Pt 8
You Are Great
Police School
Drama Bug
Dogs Who Fight Christians
Toastin' To Hogan
Jivin'

"How about that movie with water... or maybe it was a Train... Water Train Massacre"

Aw, I noticed that I have not updated to say that I decided to move after all. That will be sad but probably good for my mental health (I tend to isolate myself which can be a downer). Sarah wrote that Simon has been walking over to my bedroom door and saying "Alff" so he hasn't forgotten me yet. I'm going to miss that home and the family there so so much!

Woo Hooooo! I am celebrating because it has now been...............what? Over two years since B.A.M. has proverbially left me for someone else. I'm so so glad. I have been reading The Glass Castle and man I feel like I know the Dad in the book... and I got away relatively early, thank goodness. A "hard-drinking, hell-raising, charismatic scoundrel."

oh man. week 10 = pushes me over the edge.

i'm a real wreck--forgot to pick up my prescription three days in a row (hopefully they still have it and don't hate me).

luckily my math teacher is cool and understanding.

i just went from saying "i don't care how great he is, i hate him right now for this very hard test." to realizing i should go talk to him because my circumstance is unique, and now everything is going to be ok. no hate. there was never real hate, just stress. i'm going to go get my medication and maybe take it and go to sleep, whatever, everything is ok. i can ace the test.

i just get sick of making these mistakes but i guess that's what makes me so special! hahaha.

i am pretty lucky to live with the nicest people in town on the cutest little farm.

i was thinking of moving closer into town but i love being a loner out here more than i can love anything, i think..

i guess today my emotions were swayed because simon (15 months) finally gave my name a real try. he'd been saying "sheepy" (sleepy) all day, i got him to go from "ecccckkk" (rock), to "ro ro ro" (rock n' roll), so i figured he'd be up for trying "ruth". a real challenge, but he got it! "alffff" or "althhh" close enough!

up

violet flame meditation the band

updated my website.

down.

Dionne: you should have kids cause it will be the best thing ever. you will never love anything more and have someone love you unconditionally
as much

Ruth: i have loved unconditionally
got me no where. ;)

Dionne: I said your kids will love you unconditionally. I don't think I am capable of loving anyone but my kids unconditionally. Or was that a dog?

Ruth: practically.

excitement for my little life

tonight i stopped by robin's and we ate our most favorite ice cream of all time... tillamook's udderly chocolate. so smooth and amazingly chocolatey.

then we worked on a song that robin wrote and we did a really good job of finalizing the lyrics! it is a pop song! we love pop and we are going to sound really great as a pop duo or band, depending on what form it all takes. scott plays with us when he doesn't hate music... ah ha. he will like this song though i think. it's great!

i've been taking drum lessons and practicing a lot. i am a driven individual. i feel like i don't know many people that are as driven as i am so i am going to count on it paying off in the end. it's got to!

i cleaned my room last week and so far have been maintaining the tidiness. it's a new era for my room and my organizational skills, i think. i see my bedroom as a sort of a temple now, ready for anything especially relaxing. having some spiritual items in the room has really helped (candles, incense, crystals).

i am going to have a ladies only craft night on thursday and i need to think of some good snacks to have available. i am excited!

girls rock camp

hello, my friend heather is rad enough to start a g.r. camp in vegas and she and a few friends have put forward tons of energy and money to make it happen.. it's such a great cause.
i was able to go to a panel discussion about the camps in austin, tx and came out of it feeling really touched and amazed by these ladies!

please visit this blog and donate to girls rock camp las vegas to empower girls through music!

http://girlsrockvegas.blogspot.com/

if there is an unpleasant task you are not looking forward to, i recommend doing it "in the name of love." even if you are alone, this should work. you can also light a candle and incense as a wish for finding love.

Something that did not occur to me earlier in life is the fact that I have social anxiety. And we're talking: A LOT. I don't know if it developed as of recently or if I have always had it. I guess I can tell that throughout time I have found various ways of isolating myself, which probably suggests social anxiety... but a favorite quote from Daria says, "I don't have low self-esteem, I have low esteem for everyone else." And this is how my isolation has often felt.

Now I am less of the center in my own universe than before so I recognize that people out there are cool and interesting and maybe if I am bored it is bot because the people around me are dull but I myself am dull. Hopefully soon I will figure out how to be myself around groups..? Glalalalaaaaaaaaaaaah. I feel like a dusty old shoe, creeping out of the woodworks!

i found this sheet of paper on my floor from years ago, the writing is very hard to read because maybe it was wet at one point.

"I don't know where I'll be without it.
The world is a vast stranger now.
I wanted to unravel it.
It had its way with me.
When we are older will we be stronger?
I dreamed of my death last night.
Millions were low in the rain; I said, 'Take me higher!' But my grandfather sat there, content with wife and great-grandchild. I said, 'There's a way to speak truth, there's a place to turn this sound on.' And here we are now--Do not be afraid.
Be complete and we cannot help but love you."

worst post ever

oh dear

my path in life is saying to me "Stop!"

i think i need to get an appt with barbara my favorite doc and shamanic healer.

i will tell her that i am thinking of playing music for a year before starting my science classes for the mcat----------mcat-------------------------------that whole thing is starting to feel like a bad idea.

that is because i went to this panel discussion of women who have been running Girls Rock Camps all over the world. and my heart was really with them.

my heart is into doing science as well--there's not much i am not interested. but i think i wanted to be a dr. because i wanted to be a healer. then i saw a sign that said "teaching changes lives!" and realized that learning is the healing that empowers me most, and that i should maybe go with my talents, increase them, not fear failure.

maybe my reasons for wanting to be a dr were somewhat fear based-----i want to know everything so that i can make decisions, so that i have more control. maybe that is fine. fear-
i fear a change in the world where music is a memory and what we need is survival skills.
i fear not being able to support those i love with money!
i fear too many people have bad drs.

i guess i want to be a dr but i want some time to empower myself through my music. i don't think i have done what i wanted to do with it--there's unfinished business. maybe that's why i am freaking out now.

or maybe i fear that i won't make it and that i should have gone with my passions.

only one more day in austin. i will miss the warm. i saw alex and a couple other people from oly last night! seen so many oly people here this week i felt more popular than "y'all". not that we are competing.

i enjoy drinking psyllium husk mixed with water.

ugh my algebra final was really hard. i did not see that coming. i think i did alright on it, though..

i just learned how to play "be mine" by rem and i conclude that it is the most beautiful song written on guitar.

I get a really silly feeling when I think about being a Dr. It feels like my heart is jumping up and down with excitement and saying "Yes!"

I think it has something to do with the type of person I want to be. Musicianship is an egotistical route based on aesthetics which are all subjective. High-brow musicianship (which is generally what I like) attracts hipsters, and hipsters will love you one minute and be ready to throw you out in the next. I don't want to deal with it. I like making music for those that want to hear it and I don't want to worry about money when it comes to that. Case closed.

i feel like i am making the last big decision of my life and it is really hard. it is hard because i thought i had it figured out: become a dr if you can. now i see that i can! i can probably even go to the med school of my choice! but i'm pulled in different directions.

i am a healer in spirit, in nature. and i can't handle the struggle of really trying with music and have it not go well. my last tour went ok but the music wasn't good enough. the logistics all worked out with money, though, even though we had a major setback.

i went to a specialist the other day about a health problem and what he told me made me faint and sort of freaked out and there was no hiding it. will i learn how to maintain this sensitivity?

i could practice four hours a day on drums, a few on guitar, some on piano and voice and improve with my music and make music that sells, figure out how to sell myself. i am smart enough and driven enough to do anything. but i can't figure out what it is that i want.

ARAHGHAOAGJEOGMDKGMVFSKHN that's how i feel.

oh and even though i am smart, i cannot spell for the life of me.

i don't have a really nasty soul or anything but i've realized when i do feel "hatred" it is when i am stressed out, especially if i lose something. this happens more often than not and it drives me mad. i lost my prescription just last night and luckily found it this morning at evergreen. BLAH. usually when i want to be in a relationship it is so that maybe my partner can help look after me to make sure i'm not leaving trails of my things everywhere. so yeah, i talk in my head about how i hate everything sometimes. i wish i could stop thinking that word.

Plus it seems like I would never be able to write anything dark or dirty or nasty enough to really get out what I feel. Maybe I need to just write happy pop songs. Mom would be really glad. But there was this time where I felt like I really needed to be real and face my darkness. That feeling was strong. And now I try but it's only the tip of the iceberg and it doesn't do too much. But we'll see how I feel after band practice tomorrow.

My relationship with music is rather tumultuous. Sometimes I think I'll just stop doing all of it.

Wow, I just deleted all the "V.M" from my computer. It is beautiful music but I don't need to hear it ever again. Blah. Today a compilation that includes 2 tracks involving him (one him, one his girlfriend and probably him) and a track by me came out. Maybe there needs to be a special edition that eliminates those tracks (his, not mine). I will sell it illegally.

I don't know the difference or the line to draw between standing up for yourself and stooping to someone else's level. I definitely let B.M. have it recently for some of the misdeeds and what I consider abuse, but I didn't say what I keep thinking about now. And that is that I'd much rather be a "lunatic" than treat people the way he does. Also, he tends to paint the reality of our past rather skewed, but even if it was as he thought it was, with me having "no faith" in him (bullshit considering the lengths I went to), even if I once woke him up in the middle of the night to talk (he calls this "screaming and crying") because he swore at me and I had some silly lingering fear from the time he acted out and broke my heart before, even if I should have maybe taken his $1000-drunkenly-purchased-plane-ticket as proof that he was going to treat me the way I told him I needed to be treated instead of looking for proper treatment in actuality--that is but a fragment of what I dealt with concerning the faith he lacked in me, the faithlessness in general (and I mean severe deviance), and the violence of his words. I don't want to ever hear or consider anything else he might have to say so I don't want to tell him this. I don't want to engage with him, but I want it on record. So perhaps by making some public statement, be it by blog or whathaveyou (maybe album sleeve literature?), I am stooping low, but I think I deserve to voice the truth of the matter since over the years I so often defended him and let him twist my thinking to see him in a favorable light. That fact is humiliating enough, and I would really love to take back all the love that many know I had for him at one point in time--I would love to erase that part of what identifies me--but I can't. What I can do is learn from it and speak up about it. Nothing like that will happen again to me. No one will treat me like that, they won't be given the chance to, because I am healing. Maybe someone else will learn from my mistakes, who knows. But here's the record. And so it goes.

I really wish that I had talked to Chris Allman earlier regarding my research paper. He suggested getting a general overview on the topic through Wikipedia, then using those ideas for research, finding legitimate sources. I think this would have been much easier than my approach which was to start from the ground up. Another mistake I made was using the term "American Indian" instead of that or "Native American" in my searches. I guess I hoped to generate more current and PC sources but that limited results to say the least.

I am going to eat lots of lunch and finish up this paper. Hooray.

I want to document this awesome attempt of mine. Last night I was writing my research paper and realized I was too tired to continue so I tried to outline the rest of my ideas before sleeping and here's the transition from my essay to my outline, including the complete outline:

Thanks to improvement in the Health Care and Social Work Systems, we are now seeing a movement toward culturally competent care. Ovious culture fconnectness

School is on the brain it's plain to see!

I felt shocked a minute ago that my wish came true, the wish I've been wishing for quite some time now, which is this: I wish to really want to do my homework as much as I want to do anything else like play music or pull my hair out. Haha. Anyway, getting mentally ready to rock some research paper and I feel good about it.

Also, I love love love math all a sudden. I am doing really well in my college Algebra class, so well that I am often bored and need to bead or something in class so that I stay alert about what is going on. I also might need to switch tables because we are in groups and my group is more interested in making jokes than listening to the lesson. It feels kind of like high school. I got made fun of a bit for my enthusiasm about it all and I said, "Well, this is the only class that makes me feel good about myself."

Other than that, I've been scheduling my time so that I practice with bands twice or three times a week. So far it's just been once a week, mainly. But we need to get some things done so hopefully I can make time for it all. I'm in a band with Robin and Scott that is a lot of fun because we decided to make new songs instead of doing mine. And then I'm in a band with Robin, Andrew and Ben Kapp (Olympia all-stars!) for the purpose of carrying out the songs I write myself. We need to get them down and record them. Also, I want all my future performances to be smooth instead of rocky/messy/bad sound setup. Mainly I am excited about collaborating with Robin's ideas though! She's great and has been writing really awesome pop music!!

I think I want to go to UW Med School and it looks as if I am still so slow at school that I won't have to attend a lot of extra time to get my BS. If I go until my financial aid just about runs out it looks like I can get a BAS. That would involve about another year of school after next year. I wonder if that cuts into my grad school financial aid... Hope not. I will find out.

Mission Statement

The University of Washington School of Medicine is dedicated to improving the general health and well-being of the public. In pursuit of its goals, the School is committed to excellence in biomedical education, research, and health care. The School is also dedicated to ethical conduct in all its activities. As the pre-eminent academic medical center in our region and as a national leader in biomedical research, we place special emphasis on educating and training physicians, scientists, and allied health professionals dedicated to two distinct missions:

* Meeting the health care needs of our region, especially by recognizing the importance of primary care and providing service to underserved populations;
* Advancing knowledge and assuming leadership in the biomedical sciences and in academic medicine.

The School works with public and private agencies to improve health care and advance knowledge in medicine and related fields of inquiry. It acknowledges a special responsibility to the people in the states of Washington, Wyoming, Alaska, Montana, and Idaho, who have joined with it in a unique regional partnership. The School is committed to building and sustaining a diverse academic community of faculty, staff, fellows, residents, and students and to assuring that access to education and training is open to learners from all segments of society, acknowledging a particular responsibility to the diverse populations within our region.

Yeah I think that I am funny enough to choose a school based on its mission statement alone. Well, that and it is in Seattle. But I don't meet with the career development center until Thursday, Feb 26 so we'll see what they suggest. I can imagine that UW is very competitive to get into and I might have to go somewhere else.

ps i have shifted my attention away from romance.

my evaluation of my education thus far

one of these days soon i am going to decide to what extent i am going into medicine. for some reason i thought that maybe i couldn't pursue that right away, but i just went to academic advising to get help thinking about that and planning and it looks like a possibility that i could get a b.s. instead of a b.a. if i am in school for a few more years, focusing on math and science. i am going to go to the career center, financial aid and registration tomorrow to get all the logistics. once i have my b.s., as long as my transcripts are impressive, i will have more options in the medical field.

i am doing exceptionally well in my algebra class and pretty well in statistics and also taking a class about the health care system, which, because of my disability i fell behind due to poor planning and losing things, but i met with my instructor and she is very supportive (unlike last quarter where i was kind of picked on for being different. you'd think that wouldn't happen at a liberal arts school. i hope i can avoid taking any further classes with that physics instructor). she says i am very smart and a great writer. whenever i take evening and weekend studies the instructors are always really impressed with my writing. the classes i have taken with more freshmen have always been less encouraging. i guess freshmen just out of high school are probably pretty smart in comparison to us old people. anyhow, i took a few english courses at byu but the bulk of my writing skills came from ms luekens (sophomore year in high school) or mr sassenburg (jr year). my senior year teacher didn't get on with me so well because she glared at me anytime i sneezed. i explained to my health care instructor that i had a pretty exceptional experience in high school but i don't remember what bonanza's rank in the nation was at the time. i remember it was high.

the moral of this story is that whether or not i succeed in a class usually has a lot to do with the cultural competency of the instructor.