certain gentlemen have left me feeling very shaky. my therapist calls it involuntary shivers. i want no more shivers. i think if i play enough music and stay away from torture boyfriends they'll eventually go away. b. asked me to play a show with him again and i just explained that it wouldn't be good for me, deep down. i had nightmares last time i saw him. he understood well enough, so that is nice.

i'm writing so many songs. it is interesting writing pop songs when my professor is really against derivative music. but i'm doing this group project where we are going to deconstruct one of my songs and strip it of its pop elements. i'm really excited to see what happens.

i gotta go do school stuff.

when fall first came it rained a few days and was cold and i was very upset, mourning the loss of summer. especially because summer was mostly cool instead of hot, and sometimes it rained. but now that we're almost done with october i will say i have been very lucky to have a really beautiful and sunny fall here. the leaves are so pretty and dry instead of soggy, like i expected to see. yay for a beautiful fall!!

tonight my job made me feel like i have no friends. there are all these "punks" in olympia and i do not fit in. i do not wear flannel and jean jackets and drink my guts out. so i was leaving the bar (where i work) thinking i have no friends, and then it struck me: it's not that i have no friends, it is that i have no friends that hang out in bars. i don't feel so bad now.

i was going to go on about not fitting in and about how dudes need to stop with the tough act but it would make me too vulnerable. hi, i'm vulnerable, how are you? i'm glad i am myself.

i have really great friends (quite a few on tour, though), a great house situation, i get paid to go to school and i have the best job in olympia... so not too much to complain about. i think it is just one a.m. and i am stressed out.

lots to do, goodnight.

it's a shame how thinking about that just distracts me from my big goals. i have big goals, man!

i have a new love for science, which means i have a lot of studying to do. i am going to apply to the medical assistant program in the fall and go from there. maybe become a doctor, some sort of healer.

i have a lot going on. my music is important, too, of course. and i just found out i have a show in anacortes that i did not know about in a few weeks. my regular band mates will not be able to come with me because they've made other plans by now. soooo i have to get everything together while trying to fully understand the physics aspect of my class. i see getting a tutor in my near future.

there's one exception to the no dating rule. the exception is for people i already know and love. well, it is for n., if he decides to talk to me. i decided the exception probably isn't for c. because dating him was somewhat torturous in the end. funny how that works (or doesn't...) my therapist told me that a good way to deal with my grief might be to imagine that i made the right choice by breaking up with him after he did not invite me to a bbq. that was crazy!

other than that (maybe n. but he probably won't talk to me), i will make friends and have no new boyfriends.

i have decided not to date anymore while i am in school. this decision makes me feel happy and takes the pressure off my poor little broken heart. hehe.

the baby has a sense of falling when she lays on her back. it is interesting because she cannot possibly know what it is like to fall. but i think adults have the same instinct. but of course we know when we wake with a jolt that we just had a sense that we were falling.

oh, there was a gap in my posts and i just realized the reason was the birth of robin's baby! probably. she was born the 17th and is very cute. i've been over at robin's helping out and enjoying the baby. it was kinda freaky how delicate she seemed at first. she is getting a little more human-like now and we are less freaked about it. :) if freaked is the wrong word for those who are sensitive about the birthing/baby process, replace it with "in awe" (and also maybe delerius).

school started. it is whacky and makes my head hurt (the math and physics). i am hoping it will start seeming less like alien-talk and more like algebra/physics soon. i was tempted to stay for "advanced math" just because i felt the urge to stay in the head of the class instead of trailing behind, not advanced at math, but then i realized that i caught little from the basic lectures and i should focus on understanding that.

other than that, i need to figure out who is drumming for me and get ready to record again. i am going to kinda interview my friends that are interested because in actuality it feels hard to get a band together for practice. but i believe it can be done if someone really wants to!

i've got a nice practice space that doesn't bother too many people, now i just need to get over the fact that it is colder now and get into gear.

well, i just did lots of homework so that is something.

my job is going to be a little more demanding now because mark is leaving on tour again. i can get ready to scrub gross bathrooms! i am officially very busy. and yes, it makes me sick!

(i am physically sick in my stomach and so on). dumb health problems related to stress.