I did everything today because today has lasted 19 hours so far. Canoeing, care taking, home making, number-crunching, crushing, cooking, learning, teaching, magic.
I forgot to eat and to drink water because so much was going on. I want to take a break from medication and see what that is like. I guess I can have a positive expectation and if it fails, fall-back. I guess I've been afraid of feeling so out of control and scared in the way that I felt before all of this happened. But I have learned a great deal and I feel like my life is safe, secure, predictable, and full, which I think is a very good foundation for risk-taking in this way. When I was in school I could not experiment with taking a vacation from my meds because I felt I had too much to lose and had already an abundance of evaluations from my faculty excusing(/accusing) me of deadlines and other disfunction for personal/health reasons. I will be seeing my Dr. of course.
I just wrapped up my abnormally long and full day by eating and drinking for the first time in over 17 hours. It feels really strange, like I just reminded my body that I am a person, not just a force. Something about the chaos and creativity makes me feel very alive, but I feel almost certain today that I do not have a calling in life other than to live it as simply and honestly as I can, with room for my passions/needs included. I want to love someone lastingly, start a small and simple business (I've got a pretty good plan!), and spend the rest of my time doing the things I do now. I think I will stop trying to sell people my music because it does not work or bring me fulfillment of any sort, nor will it ever unless by chance I become as famous as Fall-Out Boy (HA!) and somehow... as lasting as Radiohead or REM. Is there room in our culture for this lasting respect?? I guess if it is deserved. But this should not be confused: I hardly want or deserve the responsibility to speak to the masses about everything.. I just want to share what I know, emotionally.