i guess with dating i just need to relax and not worry about the future too much that it gets in the way of the present.

hi everyone

facebook has got a stronghold on my attention the past few days, uh oh. it is just so fun because i can post videos and my friend melissa and i that never really got to live in the same city and get to know one another are doing so now.

i finished up the quarter and tomorrow is my evaluation conference. i am not super excited for it though i think it'll be fine. i just need to write my self-eval, which is never that fun.

maybe i should make this blog more secret. either that or just not care if anyone particular is reading. hello people of the world, if you are reading this, it's cool, i do not have too much to hide.

i had sort of a date tonight--i am getting very old fashioned. we could not think of a normal date thing to do because the date started late so i suggested renting a movie and we watched "Son of Ranbow" with Robin and Scott. Hi, it's our second date--meet my "family."

i guess i can tell you a bit about my date... he is handsome and kind of quiet-like and very nice. i don't know what dating is really supposed to be like because i used to often be caught up in someone of troublesome nature, and also the trend is to not go on actual dates (though i am done with that trend because it is super childish to me). i gave him a small kiss... is that supposed to mean very much? i guess i explained that i like getting to know people. why does it feel like every time i go on a date with someone i am about to jump into it. and by "it" i mean a relationship. maybe i should try not jumping in. but it isn't like there's multiple people i'm seeing at once, most of the time. especially if i'm wanting real dates and so forth. so that's essentially what people do when they go on dates, they sort of get into something. some people try and avoid commitment, and though i'm a believer in long-term commitment, i guess before that you should know what you are committing to.

i went to maine for thanksgiving and had a great time with melia and the fullers. cute kids, of course. i miss them a lot already, yesterday it was kind of hard to miss little sage so much, but luckily i have lots of babies and kitties to play with at home.

here are some sage one-liners:

when i told her i was leaving the next day, she said, "then we'll have to take you to the airport. thanks for joining me."

and when melia, when getting ready to go the airport told her we were going to go there, sage gasped and said "we have to give her back?"

thanks melia and scott for having me! it was very fun and good to be there. they really spoiled me.. i didn't expect a thanksgiving dinner but instead we had "thanksgiving week" and ate delicious, rich rich food all week.

all freakin' night

chris and carrie left funny comments on my last post.

i am now posting to tell ya'll about all freakin night. it is an annual film-fest here in oly where they show some really bad, usually older, scary films and some really good new ones, or just whatever seems awesome i guess. when you go, it is packed full of teenagers and adults alike, all pretty hyper and vocal about the bad parts of the films. picture mystery science theater 2000 with 200 commentors. there are short films and contests in between films and it starts at midnight, ending the morning of the next day. this was my first time going, and i left at seven a.m. and by doing so i missed most of the forth film and all of the fifth. i think the fifth was definitely overkill.

anyway, it was a lot of fun. i won some comics, but so did everyone who wanted them (there were lots). sometimes living here feels like an adult version of disneyland. if there is something awesome that should happen, it happens regardless of the logistics. it was funny at church the next day, a lady lit a candle in gratitude that her children were in their youth group instead of at all freakin' night like they were the night before.

menguysmen

i said none of the guys i've dated was very cool, but that isn't quite true. i guess things just haven't added up correctly. and then it seems like a lot of guys like me but they don't know how to win me over. ok, gentlemen, if you are spying on my blog you should know that i like guys who are not afraid to give me girly compliments (ie, call me pretty or comment on my clothes), i like going on dates, not "hanging out", i like to have fun and laugh, and i like to feel that you are thinking about me when i'm not around.

new church

i went to church sunday, it was a lot of fun. it was a church that is probably somewhat rare... maybe other people in other cities should start some similar communities. but basically, this church was just about getting together to sing, share ideas, light candles for those who need it or for thanksgiving, and we dance! i guess we do lots of different dances from various religions/cultures. one per week, i think.

they share the building with other interfaith communities.

there's absolutely no patriarchy and there is very little doctrine. the only doctrine is that everyone is on their own spiritual path. it was a very pleasant spiritual experience to be there. spiritual communities are really wonderful in the way that they feel. i've been curious about this church for a good couple years now and i am glad i finally got to go.

made new clothes

i'm finally catching on. the people that i thought i loved so much, the people i've pined and deliberated over, are just not that cool. i haven't met anyone "good enough" for me yet. perhaps this is ego-centric. but my "game" has improved twenty-fold and i now realize i can have what i want if i can just
find it.

yuck this week is sickness gauntlet. topped off by some stomach bug. thank goodness for allen and for house-mates that bring you medicine. it hurts to drink water still. but at least i can, yay for that.

i want to be a medical assistant and so i am going to need to find a better pathway to that than this music and physics class for the winter, i think. please let there be some straight-forward maths and sciences offered in the winter. i will apply for the program for next fall.

halloween costume

can you guess what i am?

i had a great time at "work". i talked to my homie (boss and landlord) today and he is thinking of giving me more things to do to make shows good at the place, which i really want to happen and will not happen without a little bit of finesse. i can't just be "loner girl" like i want to be sometimes.

but that's cool, i do not have problems making friends. maybe women intimidate me a little because it is a lot easier to charm a guy. i want more women friends, i can do it! anyway, i wore my halloween wig to work tonight and got lots of smiles and comments. i like dressing in a way that makes people happy.

i had a really great conversation with two new friends about the amazing show i put on last night, fancie and alas, alak, alaska, and buffy vs. twin peaks vs lost (there is a connection--they are all mystical dramas!) which do you pick? can i make polls on this thing? anyway, so much fun.

but about the show i put on: not enough people came but the people that did come bought lots of merch, which means they were blown away. and in a music town like olympia, it is not easy to be "blown away". i have yet to blow away an oly crowd. may never happen, for all i know!

i like being me, it is great.

i posted this as a comment, but it is good for all:


i do understand capitalist theory, but i also understand sociology. people are pushed around by social structures, it is a fact. it is ok that some people need help. and that opening rant: i do not feel sorry for the burden of the rich guys, never will.

is the landslide not an indication that perhaps the people want something else? want to work together to rebuild the economy? was it a tragedy when jfk was elected, was the "new deal" a tragedy? roosevelt? historically, it is liberal politics that have brought our economy back to what it can be.

and no, there is no "healthy competition" that will make things right when the top 5% own virtually everything. and they are not thinking about what is best for the people, they think about what is most profitable to them to support their power and control. decisions are not made on what is right vs wrong, it is always about the money. if less people are in control, we can demand better business.

we really need to work together to make it happen. obama is asking us to work, not to free-load.

i know no one can understand me because i recieve help from the government but i'm an intelligent person. in moments i can be articulate. sometimes i can write a good essay or a song.

but it just so happens that i did not choose the chemicals that made the majority of the first 24 years of my life a grueling battle to not only think straight, but to try and stay alive. and i have come to understand that it is mostly no one's fault--that it is largely chemical. and if someone feels that way, that it is , should they get help or should we leave them alone to die? you helped me but you don't still have me there in your house using your resources because i am able to get support outside my family. my family has enough problems outside of mine. i need therapy, i need medication, i need a stable home and food, and without these things i cannot heal and do great things that will help the economy.

i am doing my best to find my way to doing just that. i want to help people, not be a tax burden. but it is all in time, we can be patient and it will come.

it is hard to find where you fit in an economy that tends to reject you for who you are (different, candid, sometimes psychotic).

i hope this is helpful. i really believe good things are to come, but not with political immaturity where we are fighting each other instead of working together.

just had a conversation about how obama supposedly hides his true background and beliefs...

here are some resources so you can make an informed decision about whether these accusations are true or hold any weight, or whether or not this person is "scary."

http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/bl_barack_obama_muslim.htm

and fact checker:
http://blog.washingtonpost.com/fact-checker/2008/06/was_obama_a_muslim.html

i don't believe this man's affiliations are reason for fear. the school people are talking about as being "muslim" was in fact a catholic-based education.

i feel that his campaign is good: an attempt at bridging the gaps that create this type of mad fear and twisting truths into lies. i find him inspiring. happy voting!

certain gentlemen have left me feeling very shaky. my therapist calls it involuntary shivers. i want no more shivers. i think if i play enough music and stay away from torture boyfriends they'll eventually go away. b. asked me to play a show with him again and i just explained that it wouldn't be good for me, deep down. i had nightmares last time i saw him. he understood well enough, so that is nice.

i'm writing so many songs. it is interesting writing pop songs when my professor is really against derivative music. but i'm doing this group project where we are going to deconstruct one of my songs and strip it of its pop elements. i'm really excited to see what happens.

i gotta go do school stuff.

when fall first came it rained a few days and was cold and i was very upset, mourning the loss of summer. especially because summer was mostly cool instead of hot, and sometimes it rained. but now that we're almost done with october i will say i have been very lucky to have a really beautiful and sunny fall here. the leaves are so pretty and dry instead of soggy, like i expected to see. yay for a beautiful fall!!

tonight my job made me feel like i have no friends. there are all these "punks" in olympia and i do not fit in. i do not wear flannel and jean jackets and drink my guts out. so i was leaving the bar (where i work) thinking i have no friends, and then it struck me: it's not that i have no friends, it is that i have no friends that hang out in bars. i don't feel so bad now.

i was going to go on about not fitting in and about how dudes need to stop with the tough act but it would make me too vulnerable. hi, i'm vulnerable, how are you? i'm glad i am myself.

i have really great friends (quite a few on tour, though), a great house situation, i get paid to go to school and i have the best job in olympia... so not too much to complain about. i think it is just one a.m. and i am stressed out.

lots to do, goodnight.

it's a shame how thinking about that just distracts me from my big goals. i have big goals, man!

i have a new love for science, which means i have a lot of studying to do. i am going to apply to the medical assistant program in the fall and go from there. maybe become a doctor, some sort of healer.

i have a lot going on. my music is important, too, of course. and i just found out i have a show in anacortes that i did not know about in a few weeks. my regular band mates will not be able to come with me because they've made other plans by now. soooo i have to get everything together while trying to fully understand the physics aspect of my class. i see getting a tutor in my near future.

there's one exception to the no dating rule. the exception is for people i already know and love. well, it is for n., if he decides to talk to me. i decided the exception probably isn't for c. because dating him was somewhat torturous in the end. funny how that works (or doesn't...) my therapist told me that a good way to deal with my grief might be to imagine that i made the right choice by breaking up with him after he did not invite me to a bbq. that was crazy!

other than that (maybe n. but he probably won't talk to me), i will make friends and have no new boyfriends.

i have decided not to date anymore while i am in school. this decision makes me feel happy and takes the pressure off my poor little broken heart. hehe.

the baby has a sense of falling when she lays on her back. it is interesting because she cannot possibly know what it is like to fall. but i think adults have the same instinct. but of course we know when we wake with a jolt that we just had a sense that we were falling.

oh, there was a gap in my posts and i just realized the reason was the birth of robin's baby! probably. she was born the 17th and is very cute. i've been over at robin's helping out and enjoying the baby. it was kinda freaky how delicate she seemed at first. she is getting a little more human-like now and we are less freaked about it. :) if freaked is the wrong word for those who are sensitive about the birthing/baby process, replace it with "in awe" (and also maybe delerius).

school started. it is whacky and makes my head hurt (the math and physics). i am hoping it will start seeming less like alien-talk and more like algebra/physics soon. i was tempted to stay for "advanced math" just because i felt the urge to stay in the head of the class instead of trailing behind, not advanced at math, but then i realized that i caught little from the basic lectures and i should focus on understanding that.

other than that, i need to figure out who is drumming for me and get ready to record again. i am going to kinda interview my friends that are interested because in actuality it feels hard to get a band together for practice. but i believe it can be done if someone really wants to!

i've got a nice practice space that doesn't bother too many people, now i just need to get over the fact that it is colder now and get into gear.

well, i just did lots of homework so that is something.

my job is going to be a little more demanding now because mark is leaving on tour again. i can get ready to scrub gross bathrooms! i am officially very busy. and yes, it makes me sick!

(i am physically sick in my stomach and so on). dumb health problems related to stress.

so far, the new dosage makes me feel less tired and more present. strange, you'd think if you take more you'd feel more druggy. but i don't! great!

gwen stephani is pretty freaky to me, these days. i don't think she is aging well at all and i can picture her becoming an addict to plastic surgery. white ca girl version of m. jackson? except her music is also attrocious these days. i tried listening to one of her newer albums and i could not shake the feeling that i was in a waiting room to get plastic surgery, or perhaps a crowded shopping mall. i like pop music, don't get me wrong. but i only like good pop music.

examples: rhianna - umbrella
anything lauren hill did
destiny's child - say my name (this is dated, i know)
brittney spears - toxic
r kelly - all of it (i mean all his songs and film and everything. those sensitive to profanity, beware)

and i am sure there are more songs and artists i like but that's it for now. i like micheal jackson's old music too, of course. and this is not a bad thing. it is also not bad that i like r. kelly as an artist. it is not my place to call anyone "guilty" or "innocent", but all i know is that for the insane and scum of the earth, it is better they make art than not. art is theraputic and might help them not do really horrible things that might otherwise happen. this is something i talked about with dennis the other day and i would like to credit him with the idea that it is good for them to make art.

still having some confusion about dreams verses reality. i had to call mike and ask if i was supposed to do child care sometime this week. that was just a dream! weird.

anyway, i should have maybe worked tonight at the venue. i didn't realize i'd be up so late, but also, my scooter is in the shop. next month mark will be on tour and i'll have more of a job again, but also i will be in school. hopefully that all goes over well. my faculty seems a little more aware of disabilities about reality and requirements than my faculty last spring. so i am meeting with them soon to plan how i can be successful in the program. they said i can shoot for a full 16 credits without getting worried if i fall short. i am excited as i will be studying music, math and physics. i never dreamed i would take another math class, but i find myself liking the way it feels to understand that sort of thing. i think it will help in my recovery, anyway. i plan to get better.

i am playing music with really good people these days (also, they are people that have a sincere desire to play with me and not people that i am dating, pheeew!), i hope that we get really good and are successful. i feel positive about it all. i have quite a lot of recording to do--wonder if i can do some of that as part of my schooling this year.

dennis and i have been eating mostly raw foods when we are together. this feels great. it is hard to cook for just myself; i enjoy having company. but we are in different cities sometimes, but that is ok. i enjoy spending time in seattle and he likes it here, too.

today i rode my bicycle like crazy! there are really nice trails that surround me. so i can go from my house to downtown pretty much all on woodland trails! it's awesome.

my scooter is getting serviced in the shop. hope all goes excellent and not too expensive.

dennis has really great eyes. they are more expressive than most. also, our ancestors might have been friends, i think. he's rewlated to wilford woodruff by marriage, sorta how i am related to b. young.

new stuff

hi everyone. i am well. robin has her baby soon. i haven't been brave enough to up my dosage, yet, mainly because i think it'll make me feel more drowsy. perhaps i'll try tonight.

anyway, i got some drums at a really good price. i am really happy with them but need a few more pieces and then they'll be great. i am going to soundproof the old chicken coop out at the end of our yard to have more ability to practice.

i am taking a class on music and math that starts on sept 30th.

i also have a boyfriend, now. it is nice to know that he likes me enough to be monogamous, and i really like him, too. his name is dennis. ha. (my dad's name is dennis). dennis is a lot of fun and he is an artist and performer, also an oyster farmer.

here's his website we figure everyone who would care will find out soon enough so it's ok to post this.

it's funny when people throw down this patriotic business about why we should not question authority. what, possibly, could be more patriotic than ensuring our government does not operate as a fascist government? what could be more patriotic than protecting the freedoms that our forefathers died for?

the easy answer for some is that the war is protecting our freedom. but in actuality, we must wake up to realize that we have our local freedom to worry about. freedom of the press, freedom of speech, the right to assemble, etc. checks and balances are being obscured and silenced.

this makes me feel unsafe. especially if we are attacking iran. iraq and iran will unite to defend their home and we will be in big trouble.

more media about arrests

amy made some very good points in the small video at the bottom of this page:

http://www.democracynow.org/blog/2008/9/3/media_coverage_on_the_arrest_of_amy_goodman_and_two_democracy_now_producers

ok the doc just upped my dosage again. people seem to be pretty insistent that this is what it is and that i need the meds. i told her i didn't want to take anything and she asked why and i could not think of a great answer. i asked if it was maybe making me sad. she said probably not and that i look a lot better this month than last. and i guess it is true, even though i have been sad about clark, i have been less sad than when my chemicals just felt out of whack. that was all very untimely for me.
she asked if i still heard voices and i said that it's just a little and they are just soft and don't bother me, but i guess the goal is to get rid of them. i might miss them! haha. i can hear music by thinking about it sometimes.

i think maybe nothing is wrong with me but i am very smart and sensitive. i might discuss this with my doctor tomorrow.

well, apart from arrested news reporters and the oppression of law enforcement agencies giving me the shake up, things are pretty good. i have not had therapy all summer, though, because of beaurocratic systems that are helpful but tricky, and i am really looking forward to the time when i can get some help in that department.

i thought of something that might help my mind.... maybe it is exercise, diet, etc etc. i want to get well and not have a loss in gray brain matter. songs are good because they help me remember things i learn. so i am taking music and math, seems very brain-wise. and i want to read helena's book. she wrote Dangerous Peace-Making and I can get it at the library.

Here is a review:
n Dangerous Peace-Making, Meyer-Knapp offers an intelligent, exhaustively researched, and brilliantly argued analysis of complicated and often unpredictable factors that must be understood if one wants to understand how wars end. While acknowledging the passion and commitment of "ordinary people committed to peace," Meyer-Knapp's case studies of wars in Rwanda, Bosnia, Ireland, Palestine, and South Africa illustrate her contention that "the peace-oriented should lay . . . responsibility squarely at the feet of . . . the political leaders," those with the power to sanction war and to end it. Her concluding chapter about justice, mercy, memory and peace offers mercy, especially, not as "forgiveness," but as deliberate decision and action. "Without mercy, without the willingness to desist from the punitive and destructive acts that remain within their power, there is no way for leaders in a war to bring their fighting to an end." This is an important book, one that thoughtful citizens should read, particularly those who want to move beyond over-simplified analyses to one grounded in historical and political realities.

sadly and innapropriately at best, Amy Goodman arrested

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THMVJQUGJLM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYjyvkR0bGQ

i had a nightmare a while back about the secret service. i did nothing to maybe induce it. i've been taking a break from all that, but i think i need to dive back in to the degree that i can handle.

i have forgot to mention on here that my roommates are the coolest. ryan has the coolest looking limo (interesting paint job, pastel colored pin work) which he used to shuttle people from downtown to the party saturday night.

the three of us made lasagna last night even though we were very tired from partying, and this morning i woke up to delicious blueberry pancakes.

this is the list of bands that did not cancel, that really played the event. everyone was great. it is about half what we planned, but i think that some people expected more communication from us or something.

Fawn
Dennis Driscoll
Eli Moore
Buffalo Voice
White Boss
Ruth, Alice & Dana
Jack
The Sweaty Sweaters
Number Bear
The Slaves
Adrian Orange
Joey Casio
Psychic Housedress(she would have played but we ran out of time, crap!)
Peaches: Breaches
Generifus

well, mikrofest xi was just at my house. i think we need to plan better next time. these things are surprisingly hard!

but people had a good time, for the most part. i think they were glad to be out on the farm. the night got started off roughly with a downpour on our festival, but it cleared up. however, most bands did not feel like playing on the outdoor stage/arena we created for the event, so everyone just played in the garage. and we were so very behind schedule all night. this got quite stressful.

my band is still a new lineup and we were kinda sloppy, partially because i was stressed, but i think we were really well-received, regardless. could get better in the future, i know. i should probably have my things on consignment in the local record stores because people seem to not bring money to these things, at night. i think they bring beer money, unfortunately.

sunday completely fell apart with all but one band that was scheduled to play canceling or not showing up, and everyone leaving around 8 am when things were scheduled to start at 11 am. there were a few people that biked out to the sunday show to no avail, but we played horseshoes and ate apples from trees instead and they seemed to enjoy that. we listened to
"the dusty tales" compilation that i am on, from europe, and it was really enjoyable. i have just recently discovered how much i love the comp.

i think i may be heading back to the dating game, only in a fun and light way. it feels better this way.

i just made a list of all the things i have forgotten and missed and messed up over the summer and it is too long considering the few responsibilities i have.

i am thinking of dropping out of school because i don't feel in control or like i can handle the added stress. hmmm. maybe not, though. it could be good for me, plus this quarter i get lots of grant money. maybe i can talk to my professors and reduce the number of credits i am taking for the class.

at least school is very routine and that sort of thing is easier to remember. maybe i can have someone help remind me to do things that are not routine.

hard break up

i just wrote this to a friend and thought it should probably be documented to describe this time in my life. changed it a bit, due to more thought being put into it. hope this doesn't cheapen the letter. this blog is to help me keep in touch with my family.

so here's the letter:

i am having some struggles to feel not dead but other than that i am well! can't complain too much, i have great friends, music to play, things to do................
it's just those crazy emotions.

my last relationship was a harsh awakening that sometimes everything can seem right and wonderful but the other person is not even on that page at all. i've been really sad about it.

over time it just seems like my ideas about what romance entails get thrown in the dirt. but i am trying to wish it all better, manifest something full and warm.

there is much more to life than this crazy stuff though and i am just going to be patient now. the wishing just makes it feel better.

i am hoping that the medication i am on is helpful. i guess it probably is to some degree. i know it helps me sleep. other than that i feel like i am in grief.

best friends

little 4 yr old brixton says "recockulous" and no one knows where he got it from. pretty funny.

he is my friend scot's son. robin, his partner, is probably my best friend here in olympia. she played in my band the other night and brixton came to watch but ended up really wanting to be in the band so we let him (without volume on whatever he was playing). scot was a good sport about holding up the bass for him, and he was the cutest bass player/keyboardist ever.

another cute thing about brixton is that he voluntarily told me he loved me, out of the blue. the same day i heard scot refer to his friend stevie as "unlce stevie" so i questioned when i would achieve auntie status. so we told brixton to call me "auntie" and he threw his head back in laughter. but only after a few suggestions, it worked and i am "auntie ruth."

i love when robin and scot laugh really hard. robin has a loud laugh when you really get her and scot always loses his breath.

scot is the weirdest awesome friend i've ever had. he is really adamant about being generous all the time, in a sort of extreme way. when you are his friend you know it for sure. he just set up my guitar to sound really sweet and i can play it a lot easier. now i can start my band, "lazer blade".

robin is also good at showing you that she appreciates your friendship. two of the friendliest people--i'm glad they are together. it is exciting. it is also nice because we all like hanging out and we all are substance free.

i had a baby shower for robin on sunday. i was nervous about it because my house is far out and it was rainy outside. also, i did not feel i had prepared as well as i would have liked to because that show we played was the night before and those things are always a big deal to me. but it ended up great. the activities i planned were a hit--with the favorite being a onesie decorating contest. leala won first place with her simple "eject" design that featured an eject button on the snap away (crotch) part of the shirt. humor reigns.