worst post ever

oh dear

my path in life is saying to me "Stop!"

i think i need to get an appt with barbara my favorite doc and shamanic healer.

i will tell her that i am thinking of playing music for a year before starting my science classes for the mcat----------mcat-------------------------------that whole thing is starting to feel like a bad idea.

that is because i went to this panel discussion of women who have been running Girls Rock Camps all over the world. and my heart was really with them.

my heart is into doing science as well--there's not much i am not interested. but i think i wanted to be a dr. because i wanted to be a healer. then i saw a sign that said "teaching changes lives!" and realized that learning is the healing that empowers me most, and that i should maybe go with my talents, increase them, not fear failure.

maybe my reasons for wanting to be a dr were somewhat fear based-----i want to know everything so that i can make decisions, so that i have more control. maybe that is fine. fear-
i fear a change in the world where music is a memory and what we need is survival skills.
i fear not being able to support those i love with money!
i fear too many people have bad drs.

i guess i want to be a dr but i want some time to empower myself through my music. i don't think i have done what i wanted to do with it--there's unfinished business. maybe that's why i am freaking out now.

or maybe i fear that i won't make it and that i should have gone with my passions.