Plus it seems like I would never be able to write anything dark or dirty or nasty enough to really get out what I feel. Maybe I need to just write happy pop songs. Mom would be really glad. But there was this time where I felt like I really needed to be real and face my darkness. That feeling was strong. And now I try but it's only the tip of the iceberg and it doesn't do too much. But we'll see how I feel after band practice tomorrow.

My relationship with music is rather tumultuous. Sometimes I think I'll just stop doing all of it.

Wow, I just deleted all the "V.M" from my computer. It is beautiful music but I don't need to hear it ever again. Blah. Today a compilation that includes 2 tracks involving him (one him, one his girlfriend and probably him) and a track by me came out. Maybe there needs to be a special edition that eliminates those tracks (his, not mine). I will sell it illegally.

I don't know the difference or the line to draw between standing up for yourself and stooping to someone else's level. I definitely let B.M. have it recently for some of the misdeeds and what I consider abuse, but I didn't say what I keep thinking about now. And that is that I'd much rather be a "lunatic" than treat people the way he does. Also, he tends to paint the reality of our past rather skewed, but even if it was as he thought it was, with me having "no faith" in him (bullshit considering the lengths I went to), even if I once woke him up in the middle of the night to talk (he calls this "screaming and crying") because he swore at me and I had some silly lingering fear from the time he acted out and broke my heart before, even if I should have maybe taken his $1000-drunkenly-purchased-plane-ticket as proof that he was going to treat me the way I told him I needed to be treated instead of looking for proper treatment in actuality--that is but a fragment of what I dealt with concerning the faith he lacked in me, the faithlessness in general (and I mean severe deviance), and the violence of his words. I don't want to ever hear or consider anything else he might have to say so I don't want to tell him this. I don't want to engage with him, but I want it on record. So perhaps by making some public statement, be it by blog or whathaveyou (maybe album sleeve literature?), I am stooping low, but I think I deserve to voice the truth of the matter since over the years I so often defended him and let him twist my thinking to see him in a favorable light. That fact is humiliating enough, and I would really love to take back all the love that many know I had for him at one point in time--I would love to erase that part of what identifies me--but I can't. What I can do is learn from it and speak up about it. Nothing like that will happen again to me. No one will treat me like that, they won't be given the chance to, because I am healing. Maybe someone else will learn from my mistakes, who knows. But here's the record. And so it goes.

I really wish that I had talked to Chris Allman earlier regarding my research paper. He suggested getting a general overview on the topic through Wikipedia, then using those ideas for research, finding legitimate sources. I think this would have been much easier than my approach which was to start from the ground up. Another mistake I made was using the term "American Indian" instead of that or "Native American" in my searches. I guess I hoped to generate more current and PC sources but that limited results to say the least.

I am going to eat lots of lunch and finish up this paper. Hooray.

I want to document this awesome attempt of mine. Last night I was writing my research paper and realized I was too tired to continue so I tried to outline the rest of my ideas before sleeping and here's the transition from my essay to my outline, including the complete outline:

Thanks to improvement in the Health Care and Social Work Systems, we are now seeing a movement toward culturally competent care. Ovious culture fconnectness

School is on the brain it's plain to see!

I felt shocked a minute ago that my wish came true, the wish I've been wishing for quite some time now, which is this: I wish to really want to do my homework as much as I want to do anything else like play music or pull my hair out. Haha. Anyway, getting mentally ready to rock some research paper and I feel good about it.

Also, I love love love math all a sudden. I am doing really well in my college Algebra class, so well that I am often bored and need to bead or something in class so that I stay alert about what is going on. I also might need to switch tables because we are in groups and my group is more interested in making jokes than listening to the lesson. It feels kind of like high school. I got made fun of a bit for my enthusiasm about it all and I said, "Well, this is the only class that makes me feel good about myself."

Other than that, I've been scheduling my time so that I practice with bands twice or three times a week. So far it's just been once a week, mainly. But we need to get some things done so hopefully I can make time for it all. I'm in a band with Robin and Scott that is a lot of fun because we decided to make new songs instead of doing mine. And then I'm in a band with Robin, Andrew and Ben Kapp (Olympia all-stars!) for the purpose of carrying out the songs I write myself. We need to get them down and record them. Also, I want all my future performances to be smooth instead of rocky/messy/bad sound setup. Mainly I am excited about collaborating with Robin's ideas though! She's great and has been writing really awesome pop music!!