Plus it seems like I would never be able to write anything dark or dirty or nasty enough to really get out what I feel. Maybe I need to just write happy pop songs. Mom would be really glad. But there was this time where I felt like I really needed to be real and face my darkness. That feeling was strong. And now I try but it's only the tip of the iceberg and it doesn't do too much. But we'll see how I feel after band practice tomorrow.

My relationship with music is rather tumultuous. Sometimes I think I'll just stop doing all of it.

Wow, I just deleted all the "V.M" from my computer. It is beautiful music but I don't need to hear it ever again. Blah. Today a compilation that includes 2 tracks involving him (one him, one his girlfriend and probably him) and a track by me came out. Maybe there needs to be a special edition that eliminates those tracks (his, not mine). I will sell it illegally.

I don't know the difference or the line to draw between standing up for yourself and stooping to someone else's level. I definitely let B.M. have it recently for some of the misdeeds and what I consider abuse, but I didn't say what I keep thinking about now. And that is that I'd much rather be a "lunatic" than treat people the way he does. Also, he tends to paint the reality of our past rather skewed, but even if it was as he thought it was, with me having "no faith" in him (bullshit considering the lengths I went to), even if I once woke him up in the middle of the night to talk (he calls this "screaming and crying") because he swore at me and I had some silly lingering fear from the time he acted out and broke my heart before, even if I should have maybe taken his $1000-drunkenly-purchased-plane-ticket as proof that he was going to treat me the way I told him I needed to be treated instead of looking for proper treatment in actuality--that is but a fragment of what I dealt with concerning the faith he lacked in me, the faithlessness in general (and I mean severe deviance), and the violence of his words. I don't want to ever hear or consider anything else he might have to say so I don't want to tell him this. I don't want to engage with him, but I want it on record. So perhaps by making some public statement, be it by blog or whathaveyou (maybe album sleeve literature?), I am stooping low, but I think I deserve to voice the truth of the matter since over the years I so often defended him and let him twist my thinking to see him in a favorable light. That fact is humiliating enough, and I would really love to take back all the love that many know I had for him at one point in time--I would love to erase that part of what identifies me--but I can't. What I can do is learn from it and speak up about it. Nothing like that will happen again to me. No one will treat me like that, they won't be given the chance to, because I am healing. Maybe someone else will learn from my mistakes, who knows. But here's the record. And so it goes.

I really wish that I had talked to Chris Allman earlier regarding my research paper. He suggested getting a general overview on the topic through Wikipedia, then using those ideas for research, finding legitimate sources. I think this would have been much easier than my approach which was to start from the ground up. Another mistake I made was using the term "American Indian" instead of that or "Native American" in my searches. I guess I hoped to generate more current and PC sources but that limited results to say the least.

I am going to eat lots of lunch and finish up this paper. Hooray.

I want to document this awesome attempt of mine. Last night I was writing my research paper and realized I was too tired to continue so I tried to outline the rest of my ideas before sleeping and here's the transition from my essay to my outline, including the complete outline:

Thanks to improvement in the Health Care and Social Work Systems, we are now seeing a movement toward culturally competent care. Ovious culture fconnectness

School is on the brain it's plain to see!

I felt shocked a minute ago that my wish came true, the wish I've been wishing for quite some time now, which is this: I wish to really want to do my homework as much as I want to do anything else like play music or pull my hair out. Haha. Anyway, getting mentally ready to rock some research paper and I feel good about it.

Also, I love love love math all a sudden. I am doing really well in my college Algebra class, so well that I am often bored and need to bead or something in class so that I stay alert about what is going on. I also might need to switch tables because we are in groups and my group is more interested in making jokes than listening to the lesson. It feels kind of like high school. I got made fun of a bit for my enthusiasm about it all and I said, "Well, this is the only class that makes me feel good about myself."

Other than that, I've been scheduling my time so that I practice with bands twice or three times a week. So far it's just been once a week, mainly. But we need to get some things done so hopefully I can make time for it all. I'm in a band with Robin and Scott that is a lot of fun because we decided to make new songs instead of doing mine. And then I'm in a band with Robin, Andrew and Ben Kapp (Olympia all-stars!) for the purpose of carrying out the songs I write myself. We need to get them down and record them. Also, I want all my future performances to be smooth instead of rocky/messy/bad sound setup. Mainly I am excited about collaborating with Robin's ideas though! She's great and has been writing really awesome pop music!!

I think I want to go to UW Med School and it looks as if I am still so slow at school that I won't have to attend a lot of extra time to get my BS. If I go until my financial aid just about runs out it looks like I can get a BAS. That would involve about another year of school after next year. I wonder if that cuts into my grad school financial aid... Hope not. I will find out.

Mission Statement

The University of Washington School of Medicine is dedicated to improving the general health and well-being of the public. In pursuit of its goals, the School is committed to excellence in biomedical education, research, and health care. The School is also dedicated to ethical conduct in all its activities. As the pre-eminent academic medical center in our region and as a national leader in biomedical research, we place special emphasis on educating and training physicians, scientists, and allied health professionals dedicated to two distinct missions:

* Meeting the health care needs of our region, especially by recognizing the importance of primary care and providing service to underserved populations;
* Advancing knowledge and assuming leadership in the biomedical sciences and in academic medicine.

The School works with public and private agencies to improve health care and advance knowledge in medicine and related fields of inquiry. It acknowledges a special responsibility to the people in the states of Washington, Wyoming, Alaska, Montana, and Idaho, who have joined with it in a unique regional partnership. The School is committed to building and sustaining a diverse academic community of faculty, staff, fellows, residents, and students and to assuring that access to education and training is open to learners from all segments of society, acknowledging a particular responsibility to the diverse populations within our region.

Yeah I think that I am funny enough to choose a school based on its mission statement alone. Well, that and it is in Seattle. But I don't meet with the career development center until Thursday, Feb 26 so we'll see what they suggest. I can imagine that UW is very competitive to get into and I might have to go somewhere else.

ps i have shifted my attention away from romance.

my evaluation of my education thus far

one of these days soon i am going to decide to what extent i am going into medicine. for some reason i thought that maybe i couldn't pursue that right away, but i just went to academic advising to get help thinking about that and planning and it looks like a possibility that i could get a b.s. instead of a b.a. if i am in school for a few more years, focusing on math and science. i am going to go to the career center, financial aid and registration tomorrow to get all the logistics. once i have my b.s., as long as my transcripts are impressive, i will have more options in the medical field.

i am doing exceptionally well in my algebra class and pretty well in statistics and also taking a class about the health care system, which, because of my disability i fell behind due to poor planning and losing things, but i met with my instructor and she is very supportive (unlike last quarter where i was kind of picked on for being different. you'd think that wouldn't happen at a liberal arts school. i hope i can avoid taking any further classes with that physics instructor). she says i am very smart and a great writer. whenever i take evening and weekend studies the instructors are always really impressed with my writing. the classes i have taken with more freshmen have always been less encouraging. i guess freshmen just out of high school are probably pretty smart in comparison to us old people. anyhow, i took a few english courses at byu but the bulk of my writing skills came from ms luekens (sophomore year in high school) or mr sassenburg (jr year). my senior year teacher didn't get on with me so well because she glared at me anytime i sneezed. i explained to my health care instructor that i had a pretty exceptional experience in high school but i don't remember what bonanza's rank in the nation was at the time. i remember it was high.

the moral of this story is that whether or not i succeed in a class usually has a lot to do with the cultural competency of the instructor.