ruthlis

2011-05-30T18:39:00.001-07:00

2011-05-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

craziest dream

supposed to have therapy, got the time mixed up
gave up but made the decision hastily
same world, different realm
magic dude with dready blue green hair comes when you think about him to trade things that you have for things that you need
k says that i like this guy
jared has a "gold card" which means the spot he exists in stays warm all the time. i'm kind of cold. i can work up to it. tupperware.
i get to see geoff! it's the best.
dinner party, you gotta help set the table..?

2011-01-31T19:52:00.000-08:00

express yourself.

what are your needs?

1)to know what to expect
2)to be able to love
3)to know what you need from me

not too hard! ok!

2010-12-11T17:17:00.001-08:00

2010-10-31T18:47:00.000-07:00

I am just writing to myself to tell myself that I am cool, in a lot of ways. I feel good right now. I think I did real well on my midterms. I'm doing things that are brave (for me). I'm in touch with my spirit. And oops I poisoned myself on accident this weekend but I'm still good stuff.

2010-09-23T04:55:00.000-07:00

Today might be the first day ever (and I'm 27) that I asked anyone out on a date. I guess the answer was just that my date idea didn't work out with timing but the invite still stands so who knows, maybe it will be great. And if not, it doesn't really matter, I like the person no matter if they like me romantically.

I feel confident that things will be great no matter what. I'm on a real up. Hyped! Happy! It's been a great month. I am kind of bummed to go back to school, but on the plus side it is pushing me to have more fun beforehand. Ye-eah.

Chill! Jump back in!

2010-08-24T23:16:00.001-07:00

Day 3 of 5 songs in 5 days (which is prob really 6 in 6, whoops!)... got another one down that needs just some cleaning up.. a new song, yay! "on a plane remix" but it's not entirely a remix. or a cover. It's it's own song. But it is partly about the Nirvana song. Impressed some new friends with a cover of "Down" by 311. By impressed I mean I asked them if they were impressed with my knowledge of the lyrics and they said "yes." Felt genuine though.

Did a shift at EGYHOP (youth and homeless outreach) and maybe said too much that was un-pc just to be weird or get a reaction. Whoops! I don't know. It's good to sometimes not take things so seriously.

Someone asked if I believe in the law of attraction and I told him I get it but don't believe in quantum mysticism (taking the science and turning it into religion/mysticism).

Oh! In other news I got my second fortune from a cookie IN A ROW that said I will do really well in the field of MEDICINE. Very specific, kinda eerie considering I go back to school next month and need encouragement/faith.

Man on the Blog

2010-08-23T22:09:00.000-07:00

Day two of putting together a new Violet Flame Meditation set: We played a song Adam wrote, we got "M'eggin'" down pretty OK... Played "Man on the Moon", was worried the neighbors would call the cops due to the irony/sloppiness.. but you never know, some covers might slip in... haha. Ok so I am mostly "blogging" just for something to do to make my life seem less boring. Yeehaw.

Man ON THE MOON

2010-08-23T03:04:00.001-07:00

Hm.. VFM w Adam Croce (my roommie). 5 days 5 songs, so I'll blog about it.. Day one: we got a song and we sound like Neil Young's guitar is severely pissing off a lady. Day two is Mon (really today, it's 3 am) and day 5 is Friday, the show..

summer

2010-08-10T23:09:00.000-07:00

Gosh it's dating looking back at that last entry and realizing I've not really broken up with anyone very well....... never imagined I'd be in a perpetual break up... but circumstances were more extreme than I imagined, as well. I am sorry for everyone I haven't been awesome around for a good long while, but I've been learning some things that make me a little bit better. I think I'm learning to love better, too. Sometimes, I think, we both fight too hard for things to be right, and maybe they are just too wrong.

2010-05-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

I'm excited that I got into this class I need to take if I want to go to Med School ever. Now to get other things in order, songs recorded before all this, etc.

I thought I would quit dating because it is such a distraction from what I need to be doing a lot of the time, but I am going to hang in there and still be open to possibility for the rest of the summer. Once I am doing this hard stuff it's gotta be off-limits (I'll either be in a good relationship or no relationship), but I realized I would prefer to be in a partnership that could be helpful through challenges. I had been dating someone for the past 5 months or so but never very serious and it turns out that I learned some things (like how to remain extremely independent throughout a relationship), but all and all it's just another mess. At least I had some fun & wasn't too lonely all winter. Anything that happens in the future, I will be in a better place when it begins and therefore attract someone better and perpetuate better treatment of one another. I dedicate my breakup to Geoff, and I'm back to dating ghosts whenever I want.

from Geoff's livejournal, thanks Lil

2010-05-28T03:04:00.000-07:00

[Aug. 6th, 2008|05:13
pm]

[mood

...

|jubilant]
[music

|cat
power - the greatest]
To
be alive is a beautiful thing. I want nothing more than to be more
alive and know everyone alive. I don't want to die anytime, but am
comforted that we all die, and that death will bring me that much closer
to life. I feel immensely gratified by the existence of myself, its
many forms and contacts.

2010-05-28T02:54:00.000-07:00

Geoff, I am spending all this time with you right now that I haven't been doing enough of for quite some time, so feeling closer to you even though you are now gone. The distance made appreciation harder in this case because it was just given that every time I go home I will take the CAT bus to see you and have a wonderful time like we never missed a beat. I feel like you are being preserved and appreciated right now in a way that we are not capable of until we lose something. But THANK YOU, GOD, GEOFF for leaving us with so much to live by: for all your writing. And for all your wisdom and advice in life. I was thinking about you before and after I heard without even realizing the difference... Thinking of when you told me if you were dating someone that had a BBQ and didn't invite you you'd be quickly headed out the door, obviously, no second thoughts about it. And I was involved in this weird shit where my special-lover-friend did not show up on my Birthday (but at least he didn't die like you did, punk! At least I will think of you every birthday, think of the birthday you both made and ruined when we first met, watching the sun rise on the bleachers flirting with Kathy instead of me..dang!) and just thinking, "Geoff would think this is nuts. I should listen to Geoff." This didn't change because you were alive or not, you are just such a positive force, such a wise old man in such a young age.

thoughts by Geoff Johnson, collected from facebook

2010-05-26T16:58:00.000-07:00

Dear reader,

This is what I could find on facebook of the things my beloved friend Geoff wrote before he passed away. He is a smarty and great writer with a great wit so I hope that we will be able to collect more of his writing.

Blueberry Hill, your decor does not do your menu justice.
January 28 at 7:53pm

Really cool paint project:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuGaqLT-gO4
Jan 29

History is just a bunch of short stories that Death reads for amusement.
January 29 at 9:03am

Wow! Haha, a 'see more' option. Facebook really knows romance.

I found my Valentines for 2010
Here is the list:
1):Sarah Christina Sherman
2):Christina Wallace
3):Jillayne Lowe Coy
4):Erin McNamara
5):Jennifer Higashi
See More

You wanna go anywhere you gotta put the whole boat in the water and not go with the waves. Steer that thing and get to that land for which only you can bring to the rest of us.
January 30 at 3:44pm

Man, seems everybody's been losing their phone. Must've been that moon last night.
January 30 at 10:15pm

They say people are getting smarter, but I bet more than half these people playing these arcades couldn't push a hoop with a stick.
January 31 at 2:12pm

Radioactive rats are like bullets in Medusa's skull, they only make the snakes angry.
February 1 at 6:42am

Because of the down spiral..........(add your own)
February 3 at 3:11pm

Geoff Johnson Because of the downward spiral, I turned on the car but didn't drive it.
February 3 at 3:11pm

Coffee may have usurped blood as most abundant bodily liquid.
February 4 at 10:17am

Move your tongue through the milk to nourish more than the body.
February 6 at 1:58pm

http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20126911.300-our-world-may-be-a-giant-hologram.html?full=true

Our world may be a giant hologram - space - 15 January 2009 - New Scientist
www.newscientist.com
Could our three dimensions be the ultimate cosmic illusion? A German detector is picking up a hint that we are all mere projections

Read a book a while, read another book for a while, then another, and another, then repeat.
February 6 at 6:29pm

Back for a bit, if only for a while.
February 9 at 5:40am

Problem: Classmate wrongly called servants in a story 'blackies'. Solution: Instructor wrote 'respectable mulattoes' on the white board.
February 9 at 4:23pm · Comment · Like

Jonathan Purtill why didn't he write it on the black board?
February 10 at 8:24pm

Geoff Johnson Because those were put in a separate room.
February 10 at 9:51pm

knife wielding solutions
February 10 at 7:40pm

Solar powered babies, all go to Hades, put em in water they'll froth like Cerberus with rabies.
February 11 at 10:27am

let letters lie
February 11 at 4:19pm

Dividends!!!

http://www.youtube.com/v/RYD6Jej5BFs&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0&border=1%22%3E%3C/param%3E%3Cparam
www.youtube.com
www.youtube.com

Don't judge the still beating heart
February 13 at 9:01am

Dreams were so insane last night I had to shave this morning just to have a point of reference.
February 14 at 7:48am

4 volcanoes in my chest, puts glow in my spirit, freshens the blood in this nest
February 14 at 10:04am

When Nuclear Rainbow dreams of skeleton skin, fingernails will have to be the new teeth.
February 15 at 11:34pm

Putting my world in the world with words
February 17 at 8:29pm

All ghosts have black hands.
February 17 at 10:09pm

I'm not working any angles baby, it's a pretty straight line I run.
February 20 at 11:41am

"No, I agree with you." "What's that supposed to mean."
February 21 at 11:16am

Sleep is a troubled pilot
February 22 at 6:50pm

When cats eat Friskies they are actually dropping acid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWZ6xtVLmzA

Friskies Adventureland Commercial
www.youtube.com
Friskies Adventureland cat food commercial produced by Avrett Free Ginsberg http://www.avrettfreeginsberg.com/
February 23 at 10:37am

Even with more teeth you'd want more teeth
February 23 at 10:57am

Don't go putting that dust you're kicking off yourself under a microscope, you won't be able to reach high enough to get that shadow off the wall.
February 24 at 1:02am

RT@RogerEbert: "The most aggressively inarticulate generation." http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=3829682&%3Bserver=vimeo.com&%3Bshow_title=1&%3Bshow_byline=1&%3Bshow_portrait=0&%3Bcolor&%3Bfullscreen=1
vimeo.com
vimeo.com
February 24 at 1:30am

How can you expect people to take care of themselves? No one ever takes care of things they get for free.
February 26 at 3:11pm

There is too much on the internet!! I'm reading too much on the internet!! This thing is a magic machine!!
February 27 at 12:40pm

blood mudballs are a messy playground
February 28 at 5:16pm

blur the measurement scales with blood
March 1 at 7:10am

The failures of the past are the seasonings on the victories of the future.
March 1 at 12:49pm

a conch for all horses, a drum for every muscle
March 1 at 4:10pm

All my words have forked my tongue.
March 1 at 8:07pm

via Roger Ebert's Twitter, Grenade Ping-Pong: http://www.youtube.com/v/5lVl3AxUalo&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&border=1%22%3E%3C/param%3E%3Cparam
www.youtube.com
www.youtube.com
March 1 at 8:30pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntRs-XEIPSE

Six Organs of Admittance "Anesthesia" Music Video
www.youtube.com
Music video from LP/CD "Luminous Night". Directed by Cam Archer. (c)2009 Drag City Inc.
March 2 at 7:58am

They slept on beds of ashes and fur, and neither dug the dirt nor pursued the living, but ate what they came across. They only came to town to urinate and fire for them was synonymous with sound. Some thought them prophets. They smiled often and were so carefree that we felt shamed in our own lives. We hung them from trees. We no longer sleep well.
March 2 at 10:18am

title says it all: http://www.sciencenews.org/view/generic/id/56846/title/Rise_of_female_weaponry_driven_by_poop_fights_

www.sciencenews.org
www.sciencenews.org
March 2 at 6:20pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MAPJuVxbZM

bonnie prince billy - goodbye old stepstone
www.youtube.com
from kcmp, playing bascom lamar lunsford's song "goodbye dear old stepstone"
March 2 at 8:08pm

born into a prearranged marriage with the self
March 5 at 9:41am

Sitting outside, drinking tea, reading, watching a couple play with their child in the grass. So perfect, no sirens, wars, or concrete.
March 5 at 1:32pm

Don't have two things on the mind when you can only do one thing at a time.
March 6 at 8:52am

Goodbye Mark Linkous, hope the horses are more sparkly where you are now.
March 7 at 4:14pm

"... khaki makes the most invisible outfit for the future, a covert skin for battling atop the dead, colorless planet."
http://www.cabinetmagazine.org/issues/13/khaki.php

CABINET // Colors / Khaki
www.cabinetmagazine.org
Cabinet Magazine a quarterly of Art and Culture
March 7 at 4:43pm

They make no sense, they're like human spam mail.
March 7 at 6:38pm

http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/07/the-singer-songwriter-known-as-sparklehorse-is-dead-at-47/

The Singer-Songwriter Known as Sparklehorse is Dead at 47 - ArtsBeat Blog - NYTimes.com
artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com
Mark Linkous, a singer-songwriter whose music, released under the name Sparklehorse, was renowned in the indie-rock and alt-country worlds for its dark, allusive themes and fragile beauty, committed suicide on Saturday in Knoxville, Tenn
March 7 at 10:21pm

By starting off each day with an ambient noise record playing loudly through headphones, I've found a softer approach to life.
March 8 at 10:28am

Fennesz & David Sylvian - Transit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XYZsLwZruE
www.youtube.com
www.youtube.com
March 8 at 11:14am

Caring is equal to genius, because it defies what you are told to do, so if you care for what you do, you should allow yourself time, because it may be important.
March 9 at 12:32am

I usually don't encourage this type of retardation, but I just ate a twizzler: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCaJVtcjxi4&feature=fvw
www.youtube.com
www.youtube.com
March 9 at 4:03pm

Walking is a blind man's dance.
March 14 at 11:33pm

I was born in a time when phones were on cords, we could lay on the earth and feel at one with the sun. It was all voices.
March 15 at 3:25am

Burrrrff and gurgle gurgle went the voolcano, and digga digga digga went the people away.
March 15 at 4:21pm

Shave your armpit hair in the form of starfishes. Women shave your integral hair into the form of my face.
March 15 at 11:15pm

The good can laugh, the bad take pride in their laughter.
March 16 at 6:28am

Can't stop listening to it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiLqAu4s-_s

Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti - Round and Round
www.youtube.com
The first single off of the forthcoming Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti LP out on 4AD.
March 16 at 7:26am

It's like when your house burns down, you just don't want it to happen, but than again, not everything can be like receiving a free ice cream cone.
March 18 at 10:09am

Make a child in a room, pay for it when it leaves your womb.
March 19 at 4:28pm

Thought I saw a midget. It was just a cat with a large shadow.
March 20 at 3:07pm

multiple windows + youtube = sound collages
March 20 at 3:41pm

You're never alone if you have a mirror.
March 21 at 9:35am

Light is always an emission.
March 21 at 8:55pm

What is being gotten: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/22/your-money/health-insurance/22consumer.html?hp

For Consumers, Some Clarity on Health Care Changes - NYTimes.com
www.nytimes.com
The uninsured are the biggest beneficiaries of the bill, which would extend coverage for low-income Americans.
March 22 at 1:23am

When it's past 4 am and you've been sipping away at booze all night, and you're drawing a picture of a wolf that's pregnant with a piglet, you just kind of accept you are who you are and achieve total peace.
March 22 at 4:30am

ejaculating skull says I am pregnant with the ghost of the past
March 24 at 3:03am

When you're unemployed, you never have a day off.
March 24 at 11:32am

COME TO A SHOW: Chris Paddock, Liz Isenberg, Vio/Mire, TONIGHT!! 3/25, 1339 Elizabeth Ave #1 89119 8pmish
March 25 at 4:53pm

COME TO A SHOW: Kevin Greenspon, Mother McKenzie - TONIGHT 3/27, 8pm - 1339 Elizabeth Ave #1 89119
March 27 at 1:07pm

Some books, man, will mess you up.
March 28 at 7:28pm

Don't even like the sound of the words 'a gallon of juice'.
March 29 at 8:19pm

A scarecrow never has a mustache.
March 30 at 10:36am

Shut your physical eyes and use the 10,000 eyes within.
March 30 at 9:58pm

This wind will take the dirt off the dead.
March 31 at 1:17pm

Weathers are the emotions of the earth.
March 31 at 9:00pm

Movie is about a murderous disembodied penis, so should be good. Just a kick back good time.

Movie - One Eyed Monster
Thursday, April 8, 2010 at 6:30pm
1339 Elizabeth Ave #1 (front house)
March 31 at 9:32pm

The secretion of time on the body is the only tombstone.
April 1 at 3:17am

I can't stop checking up on these owls!!! : http://www.sportsmansparadiseonline.com/Live_Owl_Nest_Box_Cam.html
Live Owl Nest Box Cam
www.sportsmansparadiseonline.com
Barn Owls Online- Live Owl Nest Cam With Owlets.
April 1 at 3:08pm

Gardeners are dentists of the earth.
April 3 at 8:33am

Bubble prisms are nature's true genius.
April 4 at 1:07pm

Awnry dog getting his damn feet wet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cqOEr_yfak

Look how dat boy mind me!
www.youtube.com
Lonnie shows how well his dog "behaves."
April 5 at 6:33am

Point at yourself in the mirror and see your greatest enemy.
April 5 at 7:46am

Dedicate your life to fucking who you are.
April 5 at 4:54pm

Good ol' NY Times Magazine: http://www.nytimes.com/pages/magazine/index.html

NY Times Magazine - The New York Times
www.nytimes.com
The author, Christian leader, founder of the Prison Fellowship and convicted felon in the Nixon White House scandals lives and works in a 3,000-square-foot house in a gated community in North Naples, Fla.
April 5 at 9:43pm

Well here's the answer to everything, a giant floating eye: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helix_Nebula

Helix Nebula - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org
The Helix Nebula, also known as The Helix or NGC 7293, is a large planetary nebula (PN) located in the constellation of Aquarius. Discovered by Karl Ludwig Harding, probably before 1824, this object is ...
April 5 at 10:02pm

Paralyzing perception of parallels
April 6 at 2:42am

The wolf is ascending, it's time to interpret the gold.
April 6 at 1:03pm

Italian food looks gory due to Catholic influence.
April 7 at 7:16am

After sitting in silence for hours reading, Beach House is a good way to be reintroduced to sound.
April 9 at 3:52pm

See with my words what I hear with my eyes.
April 10 at 11:34am

My Top 5 Favorite Books
Geoff picked 5 from My Top 5 Favorite Books :
1:Catch-22
2:Gravity's Rainbow (Penguin Classics Deluxe Edition)
3:Blood Meridian: Or the Evening Redness in the West
4:The Amalgamation Polka
5:Pale Fire
See More
April 13 at 10:37pm

Sipping silence till it gives my shadow weight
April 16 at 1:37pm

Bones take time, are the pearls of the body
April 17 at 4:07am

If I ever get married, I'm gonna let my wife keep her last name so it doesn't look like I married my sister.
April 17 at 6:08pm

Spacemen 3 evening: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vU457HKW_0k&feature=related
www.youtube.com
www.youtube.com
April 17 at 8:15pm

The sun is always setting setting setting up my moods.
April 18 at 12:12am

Only spend time with those who allow you to be childlike.
April 18 at 3:51am

Stay nude within
April 18 at 1:45pm

Giving up your imagination is like the castration of infinite dragons.
April 19 at 7:04am

You have to be a bit selfish if you want to do any good in this world.
April 19 at 2:46pm

I never met an orgasm I didn't like.
April 20 at 12:05am

If there is one thing PacMan taught me, it is that you have to pursue and settle up with your ghosts.
April 20 at 7:33am

MORE WIND!!!!! MORE WIND!!!!
April 21 at 9:15am · Comment · Like

Sarah Christina Sherman So YOU'RE the one calling on this wind.
April 21 at 9:19am

Geoff Johnson It's not me. I call it out of love, but it keeps blowing me off. waa waa
April 21 at 9:22am

"All this stuff I'm already familiar with is really interesting."
April 22 at 10:36pm

Life is like being on an ocean alone with fish that never blink.
April 24 at 4:50pm

Blood is the bearer of bad news.
April 25 at 4:59pm

Kelsy Star Unless you had unprotected sex and don't want to be pregnant. Then it's good news.
April 25 at 6:58pm

Geoff Johnson There is never better news after a orgasm.
April 25 at 11:42pm

A lover is a flesh mirror.
April 25 at 11:51pm

Amy Woodward A mirror is a glass lover?
April 26 at 12:52am

Geoff Johnson The past is glass we love. True love is a parallel carrousel.
April 26 at 6:56am

Sarah Christina Sherman Oooh I love that; "parallel carousel."
April 26 at 7:08am

Karin Miller We only really love ourselves because we're narcissist? I think I believe that.
April 26 at 9:09am

Geoff Johnson We're narcissists cause masturbation feels good.
April 26 at 9:11am

This sudden fascination with something I never thought twice about before, when I'm not putting unhealthy importance on a spontaneous trivial task, is keeping me from my school work.
April 26 at 11:56am

My friend Jesse making a critical observation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSskEQNbjWE

i trashed my house
www.youtube.com
you don't want to know I did it I trashed my house
April 26 at 12:06pm

I know it sounds like a colonoscopy, but really it's really just me sucking on a juice box.
April 27 at 12:53am

You think that's how you feel
April 28 at 8:59pm

Silence is the fresh air under the overwhelming smoke of sound.
April 29 at 1:36am

The wind just keeps on hitting that old barn.
April 29 at 10:18am

Put light under water and discover form.
April 30 at 1:32pm

Born into a prearranged marriage with the self.
April 30 at 11:48pm

Earth mother, Earth murder
May 1 at 4:48pm

I don't know what kind of girl is my ideal, maybe I should get one with multiple personalities.
May 2 at 1:18pm

Earth juice keeps me clean and the heat in the skin.
May 3 at 3:55pm

Don't let the sands of time become the mud of memory.
May 4 at 6:57pm

If you don't actively try to create a better world, you'll be forced to maintain a decrepit one.
May 5 at 10:05am

Douglas Williams fuck it.
May 5 at 10:07am

Geoff Johnson Fuck the past and impregnate the future.
May 5 at 10:09am

Sarah-Ruth Tasko Fuck the past and impregnate the future - are these your words? If so you are fucking brilliant.
May 5 at 10:15am

Geoff Johnson I just had 3 cups of coffee. I can do anything for the next 1-2 hours.
May 5 at 10:17am

News I could have lived without: http://news.bbc.co.uk/earth/hi/earth_news/newsid_8659000/8659239.stm

BBC - Earth News - Sloths' bizarre 'toilet habit' recorded in Amazon, Peru
news.bbc.co.uk
The extraordinary behaviour, recorded on at least 25 occasions in the Amazon rainforest of Peru, has stumped the biologists who witnessed it.
May 5 at 10:59am

out in the streets roam convalescent youth, barking at doors, entering rooms with harnesses, I saw them without fire and nude, I keep my door locked, even in the afternoon
May 6 at 7:15am

http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/ thanks Christina Johns

YTMND - Breakup Letter, Dramatic reading
youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com
May 7 at 12:32pm

I ooooooze charm.
May 8 at 7:19pm

Not much difference between fog and ghosts.
May 9 at 10:32am

Nicole Wentworth but fog can't hiss at you and wont make you speak in tongues?
May 9 at 10:10pm

Geoff Johnson Pentecostal poltergeists won't push you through the deep seeded mysteries as a good fog will though. Dense hesitation is key to both experiences. eh? maybe not worth contemplating.
May 9 at 10:22pm

Nicole Wentworth ha no I love it... but this better be some thick fog, in the forest, alone, with a high dose of paranoia
May 9 at 10:28pm

Geoff Johnson haha, the thickest paranoia of fog I ever opened my eyes upon for sure.
May 9 a

No cruel earth in my universe
May 9 at 4:26pm

Dead hooker is a oxymoron.
May 9 at 10:25pm

Geoff Johnson I would say it's one thing on top of the same thing in a different skin.
May 9 at 10:51pm

You can give up, but don't give in.
May 11 at 10:33am

Pamela Dylag i think lira is going to see me before you...
May 10 at 12:41pm · Comment · Like · See Wall-to-Wall

Geoff Johnson Clouds gather on my day.
May 10 at 12:47pm

Geoff Johnson Not that I don't like seeing that girl, but you should hop on her trolly. not in a weird way
May 10 at 12:51pm

You can give up, but don't give in.
May 11 at 10:33am

Everywhere I go, I need more. I get tired and need more. It is too much and not enough. I need it simpler, and much more.
May 12 at 11:02pm

Teach it, it will die: http://www.theonion.com/video/scientists-successfully-teach-gorilla-it-will-die,17165/

Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday
www.theonion.com
Tulane University researchers say Quigley is now able to experience the crippling fear of impending death previously only accessible to humans.
May 16 at 8:08am

The heart is the penis of the soul.
May 16 at 9:05am

no offensive ketchup bottle sounds before 5 p.m. please
May 18 at 3:01pm

FREE PUSSIES.........CATS!! Get in on em before they starve and die or are given away to others and you are left to cry! These fur-beasts are quadrupeds and will MATE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!! Adorable for cuddling as well. These things need to live somewhere. With you? Why not?!

Wall Photos
Free kitten giveaway! *Receive a dozen cookies with each kitten!* Let me know if you want one (or more).
By:Erin McNamara
May 21 at 2:42pm

This vast despair and disgust for how people act and treat each other really hinders my ability to make friends.
May 22 at 11:08am

Geoff

2010-05-26T16:39:00.000-07:00

I may be the friend that teased you the most about that damned respirator whispering, "Gloria". It's strange to think of that now and of the times I told you to throw it in a shopping cart and come see me (totally out of line, I know!). Glad you had a sense of humor.

So many things will remind me of you. Your orange striped shirt, how you did the best "Drive" kareoke, your famous impressions, and I think almost every time I took a CAT bus it was to see you. Love you love you tons.

2010-04-30T18:34:00.000-07:00

Not to brag, but I just realized that I am the most understanding human in the universe. This means that if I can't understand something there is an obvious problem. Now to develop more talents because this one is getting boring.

I married myself yesterday. There's no one else for me.

i love my fam

2009-09-10T00:44:00.000-07:00

i am wrapping up a week that i spent in coronado with my brother and his family. tons of fun and sun and i don't want to leave quite yet so i'll make a quick trip to the beach early in the morning before my flight.

some of my friends got to come out, that was fun. robin, edie (a baby), and larissa flew down with me to hang out and visit their respective families. mark and his friend mike came on their way back from getting mark's wisdom tooth pulled in mexico.

i knew that mark would love the kids. luckily he got a fair dose of them today, they were cute and hilarious as usual. mike really bonded with kate and her version of "old mcdonald" on the guitar. she even tried to convince the boys to let her keep the busted up guitar that they got in tj, mexico.

mike said it just makes him want to have a whole bunch of kids. since this is the family with triplets, all the kids are about the same age and energy level.. 5 kids from ages 2-7. then mark said that you'd have to have three at once, though, to make it this fun, and asked kate if she ever wishes she was a quintuplet instead of a triplet so that she'd have two more kids her age to play with. she immediately said, "yeeeeees" in her wishful, woeful tone, as if she had thought about this a lot in sadness. it really cracked us up.

it was great to see dionne (my sis) and her kids as well when they came up for the weekend. lots of love! megan and i really boogie borded for a good long time.. i always feel like i will be sad when my nieces and nephews get older, but really it's a lot of fun. megan always likes to fool people, though, and told me she was 10. i really shouldn't have believed it even though it's only a year from the truth.

parents came up tonight to help take care of jeff and court's kids while courtney goes out of town.. that'll be interesting! i want to nanny next time.. good to see them, though. good luck to them with the crazy kids. my advise is focus on how cute and funny they are and don't get caught up trying to control the volume/drama. they are wild and so much fun.

2009-08-24T06:41:00.000-07:00

I did everything today because today has lasted 19 hours so far. Canoeing, care taking, home making, number-crunching, crushing, cooking, learning, teaching, magic.

I forgot to eat and to drink water because so much was going on. I want to take a break from medication and see what that is like. I guess I can have a positive expectation and if it fails, fall-back. I guess I've been afraid of feeling so out of control and scared in the way that I felt before all of this happened. But I have learned a great deal and I feel like my life is safe, secure, predictable, and full, which I think is a very good foundation for risk-taking in this way. When I was in school I could not experiment with taking a vacation from my meds because I felt I had too much to lose and had already an abundance of evaluations from my faculty excusing(/accusing) me of deadlines and other disfunction for personal/health reasons. I will be seeing my Dr. of course.

I just wrapped up my abnormally long and full day by eating and drinking for the first time in over 17 hours. It feels really strange, like I just reminded my body that I am a person, not just a force. Something about the chaos and creativity makes me feel very alive, but I feel almost certain today that I do not have a calling in life other than to live it as simply and honestly as I can, with room for my passions/needs included. I want to love someone lastingly, start a small and simple business (I've got a pretty good plan!), and spend the rest of my time doing the things I do now. I think I will stop trying to sell people my music because it does not work or bring me fulfillment of any sort, nor will it ever unless by chance I become as famous as Fall-Out Boy (HA!) and somehow... as lasting as Radiohead or REM. Is there room in our culture for this lasting respect?? I guess if it is deserved. But this should not be confused: I hardly want or deserve the responsibility to speak to the masses about everything.. I just want to share what I know, emotionally.

2009-08-24T06:40:00.000-07:00

I really need to get my camera fixed so I can spice this thing up a bit. No one likes a picture-less blog!

2009-08-05T02:26:00.000-07:00

dudes will be dudes.

no that is not a new movie title, it's a new philosophy.

Too Many Moms II Screamin' at My Birthday

2009-07-24T18:52:00.000-07:00

yay

i just found a list of fake movie titles johnny and mike and i called and asked for, as a prank when we were somewhere strange like vermillion, nc.

here goes

Too Many Moms
Too Many Moms III Hatin' My Dad
Too Many Moms IV Far Too Many Moms
Pork to the Butcher
We Crave More (what are these last two? i dunnooo)
Hard Candy, "no not the drama, the pornographic version"
Soft Moms II, Fightin' With Crime
Ham For A Dime
Screaming at Mimes
Slammin' With Shrines
Slammin' With Spines
Slammin' With Slime
Slammin' With Limes
Lemons With Limes
Strawberry Wine
Slammin' Through Time
Womens with Mimes
Fastin' and Feastin'
Schemin' With Randy
Shavin' w/ Rodman
Brokeback Fountain
Backpack Fountain
Runaway Amy
Kareoke w/ Porky
Porky n' Me
Wives Who Can Rhyme
Google Movie
Dads N' Kids
Brokeback Socket (?)
Clerks (again I say ?)
Shakin' My Tendrils Pt 8
You Are Great
Police School
Drama Bug
Dogs Who Fight Christians
Toastin' To Hogan
Jivin'

"How about that movie with water... or maybe it was a Train... Water Train Massacre"

2009-07-09T19:30:00.000-07:00

Aw, I noticed that I have not updated to say that I decided to move after all. That will be sad but probably good for my mental health (I tend to isolate myself which can be a downer). Sarah wrote that Simon has been walking over to my bedroom door and saying "Alff" so he hasn't forgotten me yet. I'm going to miss that home and the family there so so much!

2009-07-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

Woo Hooooo! I am celebrating because it has now been...............what? Over two years since B.A.M. has proverbially left me for someone else. I'm so so glad. I have been reading The Glass Castle and man I feel like I know the Dad in the book... and I got away relatively early, thank goodness. A "hard-drinking, hell-raising, charismatic scoundrel."

2009-06-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

oh man. week 10 = pushes me over the edge.

i'm a real wreck--forgot to pick up my prescription three days in a row (hopefully they still have it and don't hate me).

luckily my math teacher is cool and understanding.

i just went from saying "i don't care how great he is, i hate him right now for this very hard test." to realizing i should go talk to him because my circumstance is unique, and now everything is going to be ok. no hate. there was never real hate, just stress. i'm going to go get my medication and maybe take it and go to sleep, whatever, everything is ok. i can ace the test.

i just get sick of making these mistakes but i guess that's what makes me so special! hahaha.

2009-06-04T00:24:00.000-07:00

i am pretty lucky to live with the nicest people in town on the cutest little farm.

i was thinking of moving closer into town but i love being a loner out here more than i can love anything, i think..

i guess today my emotions were swayed because simon (15 months) finally gave my name a real try. he'd been saying "sheepy" (sleepy) all day, i got him to go from "ecccckkk" (rock), to "ro ro ro" (rock n' roll), so i figured he'd be up for trying "ruth". a real challenge, but he got it! "alffff" or "althhh" close enough!

up

2009-05-12T16:46:00.001-07:00

violet flame meditation the band

updated my website.

2009-05-06T01:11:00.001-07:00

down.

2009-05-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

Dionne: you should have kids cause it will be the best thing ever. you will never love anything more and have someone love you unconditionally
as much

Ruth: i have loved unconditionally
got me no where. ;)

Dionne: I said your kids will love you unconditionally. I don't think I am capable of loving anyone but my kids unconditionally. Or was that a dog?

Ruth: practically.

excitement for my little life

2009-04-21T23:21:00.001-07:00

tonight i stopped by robin's and we ate our most favorite ice cream of all time... tillamook's udderly chocolate. so smooth and amazingly chocolatey.

then we worked on a song that robin wrote and we did a really good job of finalizing the lyrics! it is a pop song! we love pop and we are going to sound really great as a pop duo or band, depending on what form it all takes. scott plays with us when he doesn't hate music... ah ha. he will like this song though i think. it's great!

i've been taking drum lessons and practicing a lot. i am a driven individual. i feel like i don't know many people that are as driven as i am so i am going to count on it paying off in the end. it's got to!

2009-04-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

i cleaned my room last week and so far have been maintaining the tidiness. it's a new era for my room and my organizational skills, i think. i see my bedroom as a sort of a temple now, ready for anything especially relaxing. having some spiritual items in the room has really helped (candles, incense, crystals).

i am going to have a ladies only craft night on thursday and i need to think of some good snacks to have available. i am excited!

girls rock camp

2009-04-12T21:40:00.000-07:00

hello, my friend heather is rad enough to start a g.r. camp in vegas and she and a few friends have put forward tons of energy and money to make it happen.. it's such a great cause.
i was able to go to a panel discussion about the camps in austin, tx and came out of it feeling really touched and amazed by these ladies!

please visit this blog and donate to girls rock camp las vegas to empower girls through music!

http://girlsrockvegas.blogspot.com/

2009-04-08T15:52:00.001-07:00

if there is an unpleasant task you are not looking forward to, i recommend doing it "in the name of love." even if you are alone, this should work. you can also light a candle and incense as a wish for finding love.

2009-04-08T02:03:00.000-07:00

Something that did not occur to me earlier in life is the fact that I have social anxiety. And we're talking: A LOT. I don't know if it developed as of recently or if I have always had it. I guess I can tell that throughout time I have found various ways of isolating myself, which probably suggests social anxiety... but a favorite quote from Daria says, "I don't have low self-esteem, I have low esteem for everyone else." And this is how my isolation has often felt.

Now I am less of the center in my own universe than before so I recognize that people out there are cool and interesting and maybe if I am bored it is bot because the people around me are dull but I myself am dull. Hopefully soon I will figure out how to be myself around groups..? Glalalalaaaaaaaaaaaah. I feel like a dusty old shoe, creeping out of the woodworks!

2009-04-08T01:50:00.000-07:00

i found this sheet of paper on my floor from years ago, the writing is very hard to read because maybe it was wet at one point.

"I don't know where I'll be without it.
The world is a vast stranger now.
I wanted to unravel it.
It had its way with me.
When we are older will we be stronger?
I dreamed of my death last night.
Millions were low in the rain; I said, 'Take me higher!' But my grandfather sat there, content with wife and great-grandchild. I said, 'There's a way to speak truth, there's a place to turn this sound on.' And here we are now--Do not be afraid.
Be complete and we cannot help but love you."

worst post ever

2009-04-01T23:53:00.000-07:00

oh dear

my path in life is saying to me "Stop!"

i think i need to get an appt with barbara my favorite doc and shamanic healer.

i will tell her that i am thinking of playing music for a year before starting my science classes for the mcat----------mcat-------------------------------that whole thing is starting to feel like a bad idea.

that is because i went to this panel discussion of women who have been running Girls Rock Camps all over the world. and my heart was really with them.

my heart is into doing science as well--there's not much i am not interested. but i think i wanted to be a dr. because i wanted to be a healer. then i saw a sign that said "teaching changes lives!" and realized that learning is the healing that empowers me most, and that i should maybe go with my talents, increase them, not fear failure.

maybe my reasons for wanting to be a dr were somewhat fear based-----i want to know everything so that i can make decisions, so that i have more control. maybe that is fine. fear-
i fear a change in the world where music is a memory and what we need is survival skills.
i fear not being able to support those i love with money!
i fear too many people have bad drs.

i guess i want to be a dr but i want some time to empower myself through my music. i don't think i have done what i wanted to do with it--there's unfinished business. maybe that's why i am freaking out now.

or maybe i fear that i won't make it and that i should have gone with my passions.

2009-03-28T12:00:00.001-07:00

only one more day in austin. i will miss the warm. i saw alex and a couple other people from oly last night! seen so many oly people here this week i felt more popular than "y'all". not that we are competing.

2009-03-15T22:39:00.000-07:00

i enjoy drinking psyllium husk mixed with water.

2009-03-12T21:18:00.001-07:00

ugh my algebra final was really hard. i did not see that coming. i think i did alright on it, though..

2009-03-07T21:14:00.001-08:00

i just learned how to play "be mine" by rem and i conclude that it is the most beautiful song written on guitar.

2009-03-06T12:15:00.000-08:00

I get a really silly feeling when I think about being a Dr. It feels like my heart is jumping up and down with excitement and saying "Yes!"

I think it has something to do with the type of person I want to be. Musicianship is an egotistical route based on aesthetics which are all subjective. High-brow musicianship (which is generally what I like) attracts hipsters, and hipsters will love you one minute and be ready to throw you out in the next. I don't want to deal with it. I like making music for those that want to hear it and I don't want to worry about money when it comes to that. Case closed.

2009-03-05T23:12:00.000-08:00

i feel like i am making the last big decision of my life and it is really hard. it is hard because i thought i had it figured out: become a dr if you can. now i see that i can! i can probably even go to the med school of my choice! but i'm pulled in different directions.

i am a healer in spirit, in nature. and i can't handle the struggle of really trying with music and have it not go well. my last tour went ok but the music wasn't good enough. the logistics all worked out with money, though, even though we had a major setback.

i went to a specialist the other day about a health problem and what he told me made me faint and sort of freaked out and there was no hiding it. will i learn how to maintain this sensitivity?

i could practice four hours a day on drums, a few on guitar, some on piano and voice and improve with my music and make music that sells, figure out how to sell myself. i am smart enough and driven enough to do anything. but i can't figure out what it is that i want.

ARAHGHAOAGJEOGMDKGMVFSKHN that's how i feel.

oh and even though i am smart, i cannot spell for the life of me.

2009-03-04T20:08:00.001-08:00

i don't have a really nasty soul or anything but i've realized when i do feel "hatred" it is when i am stressed out, especially if i lose something. this happens more often than not and it drives me mad. i lost my prescription just last night and luckily found it this morning at evergreen. BLAH. usually when i want to be in a relationship it is so that maybe my partner can help look after me to make sure i'm not leaving trails of my things everywhere. so yeah, i talk in my head about how i hate everything sometimes. i wish i could stop thinking that word.

2009-02-25T21:33:00.000-08:00

Plus it seems like I would never be able to write anything dark or dirty or nasty enough to really get out what I feel. Maybe I need to just write happy pop songs. Mom would be really glad. But there was this time where I felt like I really needed to be real and face my darkness. That feeling was strong. And now I try but it's only the tip of the iceberg and it doesn't do too much. But we'll see how I feel after band practice tomorrow.

2009-02-25T21:32:00.000-08:00

My relationship with music is rather tumultuous. Sometimes I think I'll just stop doing all of it.

2009-02-21T21:45:00.000-08:00

Wow, I just deleted all the "V.M" from my computer. It is beautiful music but I don't need to hear it ever again. Blah. Today a compilation that includes 2 tracks involving him (one him, one his girlfriend and probably him) and a track by me came out. Maybe there needs to be a special edition that eliminates those tracks (his, not mine). I will sell it illegally.

2009-02-21T15:02:00.001-08:00

I don't know the difference or the line to draw between standing up for yourself and stooping to someone else's level. I definitely let B.M. have it recently for some of the misdeeds and what I consider abuse, but I didn't say what I keep thinking about now. And that is that I'd much rather be a "lunatic" than treat people the way he does. Also, he tends to paint the reality of our past rather skewed, but even if it was as he thought it was, with me having "no faith" in him (bullshit considering the lengths I went to), even if I once woke him up in the middle of the night to talk (he calls this "screaming and crying") because he swore at me and I had some silly lingering fear from the time he acted out and broke my heart before, even if I should have maybe taken his $1000-drunkenly-purchased-plane-ticket as proof that he was going to treat me the way I told him I needed to be treated instead of looking for proper treatment in actuality--that is but a fragment of what I dealt with concerning the faith he lacked in me, the faithlessness in general (and I mean severe deviance), and the violence of his words. I don't want to ever hear or consider anything else he might have to say so I don't want to tell him this. I don't want to engage with him, but I want it on record. So perhaps by making some public statement, be it by blog or whathaveyou (maybe album sleeve literature?), I am stooping low, but I think I deserve to voice the truth of the matter since over the years I so often defended him and let him twist my thinking to see him in a favorable light. That fact is humiliating enough, and I would really love to take back all the love that many know I had for him at one point in time--I would love to erase that part of what identifies me--but I can't. What I can do is learn from it and speak up about it. Nothing like that will happen again to me. No one will treat me like that, they won't be given the chance to, because I am healing. Maybe someone else will learn from my mistakes, who knows. But here's the record. And so it goes.

2009-02-21T14:54:00.000-08:00

I really wish that I had talked to Chris Allman earlier regarding my research paper. He suggested getting a general overview on the topic through Wikipedia, then using those ideas for research, finding legitimate sources. I think this would have been much easier than my approach which was to start from the ground up. Another mistake I made was using the term "American Indian" instead of that or "Native American" in my searches. I guess I hoped to generate more current and PC sources but that limited results to say the least.

I am going to eat lots of lunch and finish up this paper. Hooray.

2009-02-20T11:36:00.000-08:00

I want to document this awesome attempt of mine. Last night I was writing my research paper and realized I was too tired to continue so I tried to outline the rest of my ideas before sleeping and here's the transition from my essay to my outline, including the complete outline:

Thanks to improvement in the Health Care and Social Work Systems, we are now seeing a movement toward culturally competent care. Ovious culture fconnectness

School is on the brain it's plain to see!

2009-02-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

I felt shocked a minute ago that my wish came true, the wish I've been wishing for quite some time now, which is this: I wish to really want to do my homework as much as I want to do anything else like play music or pull my hair out. Haha. Anyway, getting mentally ready to rock some research paper and I feel good about it.

Also, I love love love math all a sudden. I am doing really well in my college Algebra class, so well that I am often bored and need to bead or something in class so that I stay alert about what is going on. I also might need to switch tables because we are in groups and my group is more interested in making jokes than listening to the lesson. It feels kind of like high school. I got made fun of a bit for my enthusiasm about it all and I said, "Well, this is the only class that makes me feel good about myself."

Other than that, I've been scheduling my time so that I practice with bands twice or three times a week. So far it's just been once a week, mainly. But we need to get some things done so hopefully I can make time for it all. I'm in a band with Robin and Scott that is a lot of fun because we decided to make new songs instead of doing mine. And then I'm in a band with Robin, Andrew and Ben Kapp (Olympia all-stars!) for the purpose of carrying out the songs I write myself. We need to get them down and record them. Also, I want all my future performances to be smooth instead of rocky/messy/bad sound setup. Mainly I am excited about collaborating with Robin's ideas though! She's great and has been writing really awesome pop music!!

2009-02-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

I think I want to go to UW Med School and it looks as if I am still so slow at school that I won't have to attend a lot of extra time to get my BS. If I go until my financial aid just about runs out it looks like I can get a BAS. That would involve about another year of school after next year. I wonder if that cuts into my grad school financial aid... Hope not. I will find out.

Mission Statement

The University of Washington School of Medicine is dedicated to improving the general health and well-being of the public. In pursuit of its goals, the School is committed to excellence in biomedical education, research, and health care. The School is also dedicated to ethical conduct in all its activities. As the pre-eminent academic medical center in our region and as a national leader in biomedical research, we place special emphasis on educating and training physicians, scientists, and allied health professionals dedicated to two distinct missions:

* Meeting the health care needs of our region, especially by recognizing the importance of primary care and providing service to underserved populations;
* Advancing knowledge and assuming leadership in the biomedical sciences and in academic medicine.

The School works with public and private agencies to improve health care and advance knowledge in medicine and related fields of inquiry. It acknowledges a special responsibility to the people in the states of Washington, Wyoming, Alaska, Montana, and Idaho, who have joined with it in a unique regional partnership. The School is committed to building and sustaining a diverse academic community of faculty, staff, fellows, residents, and students and to assuring that access to education and training is open to learners from all segments of society, acknowledging a particular responsibility to the diverse populations within our region.

Yeah I think that I am funny enough to choose a school based on its mission statement alone. Well, that and it is in Seattle. But I don't meet with the career development center until Thursday, Feb 26 so we'll see what they suggest. I can imagine that UW is very competitive to get into and I might have to go somewhere else.

2009-02-12T17:23:00.001-08:00

ps i have shifted my attention away from romance.

my evaluation of my education thus far

2009-02-12T17:05:00.000-08:00

one of these days soon i am going to decide to what extent i am going into medicine. for some reason i thought that maybe i couldn't pursue that right away, but i just went to academic advising to get help thinking about that and planning and it looks like a possibility that i could get a b.s. instead of a b.a. if i am in school for a few more years, focusing on math and science. i am going to go to the career center, financial aid and registration tomorrow to get all the logistics. once i have my b.s., as long as my transcripts are impressive, i will have more options in the medical field.

i am doing exceptionally well in my algebra class and pretty well in statistics and also taking a class about the health care system, which, because of my disability i fell behind due to poor planning and losing things, but i met with my instructor and she is very supportive (unlike last quarter where i was kind of picked on for being different. you'd think that wouldn't happen at a liberal arts school. i hope i can avoid taking any further classes with that physics instructor). she says i am very smart and a great writer. whenever i take evening and weekend studies the instructors are always really impressed with my writing. the classes i have taken with more freshmen have always been less encouraging. i guess freshmen just out of high school are probably pretty smart in comparison to us old people. anyhow, i took a few english courses at byu but the bulk of my writing skills came from ms luekens (sophomore year in high school) or mr sassenburg (jr year). my senior year teacher didn't get on with me so well because she glared at me anytime i sneezed. i explained to my health care instructor that i had a pretty exceptional experience in high school but i don't remember what bonanza's rank in the nation was at the time. i remember it was high.

the moral of this story is that whether or not i succeed in a class usually has a lot to do with the cultural competency of the instructor.

2008-12-16T12:28:00.001-08:00

i guess with dating i just need to relax and not worry about the future too much that it gets in the way of the present.

2008-12-16T03:52:00.000-08:00

hi everyone

facebook has got a stronghold on my attention the past few days, uh oh. it is just so fun because i can post videos and my friend melissa and i that never really got to live in the same city and get to know one another are doing so now.

i finished up the quarter and tomorrow is my evaluation conference. i am not super excited for it though i think it'll be fine. i just need to write my self-eval, which is never that fun.

maybe i should make this blog more secret. either that or just not care if anyone particular is reading. hello people of the world, if you are reading this, it's cool, i do not have too much to hide.

i had sort of a date tonight--i am getting very old fashioned. we could not think of a normal date thing to do because the date started late so i suggested renting a movie and we watched "Son of Ranbow" with Robin and Scott. Hi, it's our second date--meet my "family."

i guess i can tell you a bit about my date... he is handsome and kind of quiet-like and very nice. i don't know what dating is really supposed to be like because i used to often be caught up in someone of troublesome nature, and also the trend is to not go on actual dates (though i am done with that trend because it is super childish to me). i gave him a small kiss... is that supposed to mean very much? i guess i explained that i like getting to know people. why does it feel like every time i go on a date with someone i am about to jump into it. and by "it" i mean a relationship. maybe i should try not jumping in. but it isn't like there's multiple people i'm seeing at once, most of the time. especially if i'm wanting real dates and so forth. so that's essentially what people do when they go on dates, they sort of get into something. some people try and avoid commitment, and though i'm a believer in long-term commitment, i guess before that you should know what you are committing to.

2008-11-29T16:08:00.000-08:00

i went to maine for thanksgiving and had a great time with melia and the fullers. cute kids, of course. i miss them a lot already, yesterday it was kind of hard to miss little sage so much, but luckily i have lots of babies and kitties to play with at home.

here are some sage one-liners:

when i told her i was leaving the next day, she said, "then we'll have to take you to the airport. thanks for joining me."

and when melia, when getting ready to go the airport told her we were going to go there, sage gasped and said "we have to give her back?"

thanks melia and scott for having me! it was very fun and good to be there. they really spoiled me.. i didn't expect a thanksgiving dinner but instead we had "thanksgiving week" and ate delicious, rich rich food all week.

all freakin' night

2008-11-20T10:14:00.000-08:00

chris and carrie left funny comments on my last post.

i am now posting to tell ya'll about all freakin night. it is an annual film-fest here in oly where they show some really bad, usually older, scary films and some really good new ones, or just whatever seems awesome i guess. when you go, it is packed full of teenagers and adults alike, all pretty hyper and vocal about the bad parts of the films. picture mystery science theater 2000 with 200 commentors. there are short films and contests in between films and it starts at midnight, ending the morning of the next day. this was my first time going, and i left at seven a.m. and by doing so i missed most of the forth film and all of the fifth. i think the fifth was definitely overkill.

anyway, it was a lot of fun. i won some comics, but so did everyone who wanted them (there were lots). sometimes living here feels like an adult version of disneyland. if there is something awesome that should happen, it happens regardless of the logistics. it was funny at church the next day, a lady lit a candle in gratitude that her children were in their youth group instead of at all freakin' night like they were the night before.

menguysmen

2008-11-19T13:59:00.000-08:00

i said none of the guys i've dated was very cool, but that isn't quite true. i guess things just haven't added up correctly. and then it seems like a lot of guys like me but they don't know how to win me over. ok, gentlemen, if you are spying on my blog you should know that i like guys who are not afraid to give me girly compliments (ie, call me pretty or comment on my clothes), i like going on dates, not "hanging out", i like to have fun and laugh, and i like to feel that you are thinking about me when i'm not around.

new church

2008-11-18T17:59:00.001-08:00

i went to church sunday, it was a lot of fun. it was a church that is probably somewhat rare... maybe other people in other cities should start some similar communities. but basically, this church was just about getting together to sing, share ideas, light candles for those who need it or for thanksgiving, and we dance! i guess we do lots of different dances from various religions/cultures. one per week, i think.

they share the building with other interfaith communities.

there's absolutely no patriarchy and there is very little doctrine. the only doctrine is that everyone is on their own spiritual path. it was a very pleasant spiritual experience to be there. spiritual communities are really wonderful in the way that they feel. i've been curious about this church for a good couple years now and i am glad i finally got to go.

made new clothes

2008-11-18T16:53:00.000-08:00

2008-11-18T04:51:00.000-08:00

i'm finally catching on. the people that i thought i loved so much, the people i've pined and deliberated over, are just not that cool. i haven't met anyone "good enough" for me yet. perhaps this is ego-centric. but my "game" has improved twenty-fold and i now realize i can have what i want if i can just
find it.

2008-11-12T16:01:00.000-08:00

yuck this week is sickness gauntlet. topped off by some stomach bug. thank goodness for allen and for house-mates that bring you medicine. it hurts to drink water still. but at least i can, yay for that.

i want to be a medical assistant and so i am going to need to find a better pathway to that than this music and physics class for the winter, i think. please let there be some straight-forward maths and sciences offered in the winter. i will apply for the program for next fall.

halloween costume

2008-11-07T18:50:00.000-08:00

can you guess what i am?

2008-11-07T03:07:00.000-08:00

i had a great time at "work". i talked to my homie (boss and landlord) today and he is thinking of giving me more things to do to make shows good at the place, which i really want to happen and will not happen without a little bit of finesse. i can't just be "loner girl" like i want to be sometimes.

but that's cool, i do not have problems making friends. maybe women intimidate me a little because it is a lot easier to charm a guy. i want more women friends, i can do it! anyway, i wore my halloween wig to work tonight and got lots of smiles and comments. i like dressing in a way that makes people happy.

i had a really great conversation with two new friends about the amazing show i put on last night, fancie and alas, alak, alaska, and buffy vs. twin peaks vs lost (there is a connection--they are all mystical dramas!) which do you pick? can i make polls on this thing? anyway, so much fun.

but about the show i put on: not enough people came but the people that did come bought lots of merch, which means they were blown away. and in a music town like olympia, it is not easy to be "blown away". i have yet to blow away an oly crowd. may never happen, for all i know!

i like being me, it is great.

2008-11-07T03:01:00.000-08:00

i posted this as a comment, but it is good for all:

i do understand capitalist theory, but i also understand sociology. people are pushed around by social structures, it is a fact. it is ok that some people need help. and that opening rant: i do not feel sorry for the burden of the rich guys, never will.

is the landslide not an indication that perhaps the people want something else? want to work together to rebuild the economy? was it a tragedy when jfk was elected, was the "new deal" a tragedy? roosevelt? historically, it is liberal politics that have brought our economy back to what it can be.

and no, there is no "healthy competition" that will make things right when the top 5% own virtually everything. and they are not thinking about what is best for the people, they think about what is most profitable to them to support their power and control. decisions are not made on what is right vs wrong, it is always about the money. if less people are in control, we can demand better business.

we really need to work together to make it happen. obama is asking us to work, not to free-load.

i know no one can understand me because i recieve help from the government but i'm an intelligent person. in moments i can be articulate. sometimes i can write a good essay or a song.

but it just so happens that i did not choose the chemicals that made the majority of the first 24 years of my life a grueling battle to not only think straight, but to try and stay alive. and i have come to understand that it is mostly no one's fault--that it is largely chemical. and if someone feels that way, that it is , should they get help or should we leave them alone to die? you helped me but you don't still have me there in your house using your resources because i am able to get support outside my family. my family has enough problems outside of mine. i need therapy, i need medication, i need a stable home and food, and without these things i cannot heal and do great things that will help the economy.

i am doing my best to find my way to doing just that. i want to help people, not be a tax burden. but it is all in time, we can be patient and it will come.

it is hard to find where you fit in an economy that tends to reject you for who you are (different, candid, sometimes psychotic).

i hope this is helpful. i really believe good things are to come, but not with political immaturity where we are fighting each other instead of working together.

2008-11-03T18:21:00.000-08:00

just had a conversation about how obama supposedly hides his true background and beliefs...

here are some resources so you can make an informed decision about whether these accusations are true or hold any weight, or whether or not this person is "scary."

http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/bl_barack_obama_muslim.htm

and fact checker:
http://blog.washingtonpost.com/fact-checker/2008/06/was_obama_a_muslim.html

i don't believe this man's affiliations are reason for fear. the school people are talking about as being "muslim" was in fact a catholic-based education.

i feel that his campaign is good: an attempt at bridging the gaps that create this type of mad fear and twisting truths into lies. i find him inspiring. happy voting!

2008-10-30T11:28:00.000-07:00

certain gentlemen have left me feeling very shaky. my therapist calls it involuntary shivers. i want no more shivers. i think if i play enough music and stay away from torture boyfriends they'll eventually go away. b. asked me to play a show with him again and i just explained that it wouldn't be good for me, deep down. i had nightmares last time i saw him. he understood well enough, so that is nice.

i'm writing so many songs. it is interesting writing pop songs when my professor is really against derivative music. but i'm doing this group project where we are going to deconstruct one of my songs and strip it of its pop elements. i'm really excited to see what happens.

i gotta go do school stuff.

2008-10-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

when fall first came it rained a few days and was cold and i was very upset, mourning the loss of summer. especially because summer was mostly cool instead of hot, and sometimes it rained. but now that we're almost done with october i will say i have been very lucky to have a really beautiful and sunny fall here. the leaves are so pretty and dry instead of soggy, like i expected to see. yay for a beautiful fall!!

2008-10-29T00:42:00.000-07:00

tonight my job made me feel like i have no friends. there are all these "punks" in olympia and i do not fit in. i do not wear flannel and jean jackets and drink my guts out. so i was leaving the bar (where i work) thinking i have no friends, and then it struck me: it's not that i have no friends, it is that i have no friends that hang out in bars. i don't feel so bad now.

i was going to go on about not fitting in and about how dudes need to stop with the tough act but it would make me too vulnerable. hi, i'm vulnerable, how are you? i'm glad i am myself.

i have really great friends (quite a few on tour, though), a great house situation, i get paid to go to school and i have the best job in olympia... so not too much to complain about. i think it is just one a.m. and i am stressed out.

lots to do, goodnight.

2008-10-27T20:51:00.000-07:00

it's a shame how thinking about that just distracts me from my big goals. i have big goals, man!

i have a new love for science, which means i have a lot of studying to do. i am going to apply to the medical assistant program in the fall and go from there. maybe become a doctor, some sort of healer.

i have a lot going on. my music is important, too, of course. and i just found out i have a show in anacortes that i did not know about in a few weeks. my regular band mates will not be able to come with me because they've made other plans by now. soooo i have to get everything together while trying to fully understand the physics aspect of my class. i see getting a tutor in my near future.

2008-10-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

there's one exception to the no dating rule. the exception is for people i already know and love. well, it is for n., if he decides to talk to me. i decided the exception probably isn't for c. because dating him was somewhat torturous in the end. funny how that works (or doesn't...) my therapist told me that a good way to deal with my grief might be to imagine that i made the right choice by breaking up with him after he did not invite me to a bbq. that was crazy!

other than that (maybe n. but he probably won't talk to me), i will make friends and have no new boyfriends.

2008-10-24T11:01:00.001-07:00

i have decided not to date anymore while i am in school. this decision makes me feel happy and takes the pressure off my poor little broken heart. hehe.

2008-10-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

the baby has a sense of falling when she lays on her back. it is interesting because she cannot possibly know what it is like to fall. but i think adults have the same instinct. but of course we know when we wake with a jolt that we just had a sense that we were falling.

2008-10-07T20:24:00.000-07:00

oh, there was a gap in my posts and i just realized the reason was the birth of robin's baby! probably. she was born the 17th and is very cute. i've been over at robin's helping out and enjoying the baby. it was kinda freaky how delicate she seemed at first. she is getting a little more human-like now and we are less freaked about it. :) if freaked is the wrong word for those who are sensitive about the birthing/baby process, replace it with "in awe" (and also maybe delerius).

2008-10-03T18:32:00.000-07:00

school started. it is whacky and makes my head hurt (the math and physics). i am hoping it will start seeming less like alien-talk and more like algebra/physics soon. i was tempted to stay for "advanced math" just because i felt the urge to stay in the head of the class instead of trailing behind, not advanced at math, but then i realized that i caught little from the basic lectures and i should focus on understanding that.

other than that, i need to figure out who is drumming for me and get ready to record again. i am going to kinda interview my friends that are interested because in actuality it feels hard to get a band together for practice. but i believe it can be done if someone really wants to!

i've got a nice practice space that doesn't bother too many people, now i just need to get over the fact that it is colder now and get into gear.

well, i just did lots of homework so that is something.

my job is going to be a little more demanding now because mark is leaving on tour again. i can get ready to scrub gross bathrooms! i am officially very busy. and yes, it makes me sick!

(i am physically sick in my stomach and so on). dumb health problems related to stress.

2008-09-13T13:06:00.003-07:00

so far, the new dosage makes me feel less tired and more present. strange, you'd think if you take more you'd feel more druggy. but i don't! great!

2008-09-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

gwen stephani is pretty freaky to me, these days. i don't think she is aging well at all and i can picture her becoming an addict to plastic surgery. white ca girl version of m. jackson? except her music is also attrocious these days. i tried listening to one of her newer albums and i could not shake the feeling that i was in a waiting room to get plastic surgery, or perhaps a crowded shopping mall. i like pop music, don't get me wrong. but i only like good pop music.

examples: rhianna - umbrella
anything lauren hill did
destiny's child - say my name (this is dated, i know)
brittney spears - toxic
r kelly - all of it (i mean all his songs and film and everything. those sensitive to profanity, beware)

and i am sure there are more songs and artists i like but that's it for now. i like micheal jackson's old music too, of course. and this is not a bad thing. it is also not bad that i like r. kelly as an artist. it is not my place to call anyone "guilty" or "innocent", but all i know is that for the insane and scum of the earth, it is better they make art than not. art is theraputic and might help them not do really horrible things that might otherwise happen. this is something i talked about with dennis the other day and i would like to credit him with the idea that it is good for them to make art.

2008-09-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

still having some confusion about dreams verses reality. i had to call mike and ask if i was supposed to do child care sometime this week. that was just a dream! weird.

anyway, i should have maybe worked tonight at the venue. i didn't realize i'd be up so late, but also, my scooter is in the shop. next month mark will be on tour and i'll have more of a job again, but also i will be in school. hopefully that all goes over well. my faculty seems a little more aware of disabilities about reality and requirements than my faculty last spring. so i am meeting with them soon to plan how i can be successful in the program. they said i can shoot for a full 16 credits without getting worried if i fall short. i am excited as i will be studying music, math and physics. i never dreamed i would take another math class, but i find myself liking the way it feels to understand that sort of thing. i think it will help in my recovery, anyway. i plan to get better.

i am playing music with really good people these days (also, they are people that have a sincere desire to play with me and not people that i am dating, pheeew!), i hope that we get really good and are successful. i feel positive about it all. i have quite a lot of recording to do--wonder if i can do some of that as part of my schooling this year.

dennis and i have been eating mostly raw foods when we are together. this feels great. it is hard to cook for just myself; i enjoy having company. but we are in different cities sometimes, but that is ok. i enjoy spending time in seattle and he likes it here, too.

today i rode my bicycle like crazy! there are really nice trails that surround me. so i can go from my house to downtown pretty much all on woodland trails! it's awesome.

my scooter is getting serviced in the shop. hope all goes excellent and not too expensive.

2008-09-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

dennis has really great eyes. they are more expressive than most. also, our ancestors might have been friends, i think. he's rewlated to wilford woodruff by marriage, sorta how i am related to b. young.

new stuff

2008-09-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

hi everyone. i am well. robin has her baby soon. i haven't been brave enough to up my dosage, yet, mainly because i think it'll make me feel more drowsy. perhaps i'll try tonight.

anyway, i got some drums at a really good price. i am really happy with them but need a few more pieces and then they'll be great. i am going to soundproof the old chicken coop out at the end of our yard to have more ability to practice.

i am taking a class on music and math that starts on sept 30th.

i also have a boyfriend, now. it is nice to know that he likes me enough to be monogamous, and i really like him, too. his name is dennis. ha. (my dad's name is dennis). dennis is a lot of fun and he is an artist and performer, also an oyster farmer.

here's his website we figure everyone who would care will find out soon enough so it's ok to post this.

2008-09-04T11:07:00.001-07:00

it's funny when people throw down this patriotic business about why we should not question authority. what, possibly, could be more patriotic than ensuring our government does not operate as a fascist government? what could be more patriotic than protecting the freedoms that our forefathers died for?

the easy answer for some is that the war is protecting our freedom. but in actuality, we must wake up to realize that we have our local freedom to worry about. freedom of the press, freedom of speech, the right to assemble, etc. checks and balances are being obscured and silenced.

this makes me feel unsafe. especially if we are attacking iran. iraq and iran will unite to defend their home and we will be in big trouble.

more media about arrests

2008-09-04T11:04:00.001-07:00

amy made some very good points in the small video at the bottom of this page:

http://www.democracynow.org/blog/2008/9/3/media_coverage_on_the_arrest_of_amy_goodman_and_two_democracy_now_producers

2008-09-03T12:16:00.001-07:00

ok the doc just upped my dosage again. people seem to be pretty insistent that this is what it is and that i need the meds. i told her i didn't want to take anything and she asked why and i could not think of a great answer. i asked if it was maybe making me sad. she said probably not and that i look a lot better this month than last. and i guess it is true, even though i have been sad about clark, i have been less sad than when my chemicals just felt out of whack. that was all very untimely for me.
she asked if i still heard voices and i said that it's just a little and they are just soft and don't bother me, but i guess the goal is to get rid of them. i might miss them! haha. i can hear music by thinking about it sometimes.

2008-09-03T00:10:00.001-07:00

i think maybe nothing is wrong with me but i am very smart and sensitive. i might discuss this with my doctor tomorrow.

2008-09-02T23:57:00.000-07:00

well, apart from arrested news reporters and the oppression of law enforcement agencies giving me the shake up, things are pretty good. i have not had therapy all summer, though, because of beaurocratic systems that are helpful but tricky, and i am really looking forward to the time when i can get some help in that department.

i thought of something that might help my mind.... maybe it is exercise, diet, etc etc. i want to get well and not have a loss in gray brain matter. songs are good because they help me remember things i learn. so i am taking music and math, seems very brain-wise. and i want to read helena's book. she wrote Dangerous Peace-Making and I can get it at the library.

Here is a review:
n Dangerous Peace-Making, Meyer-Knapp offers an intelligent, exhaustively researched, and brilliantly argued analysis of complicated and often unpredictable factors that must be understood if one wants to understand how wars end. While acknowledging the passion and commitment of "ordinary people committed to peace," Meyer-Knapp's case studies of wars in Rwanda, Bosnia, Ireland, Palestine, and South Africa illustrate her contention that "the peace-oriented should lay . . . responsibility squarely at the feet of . . . the political leaders," those with the power to sanction war and to end it. Her concluding chapter about justice, mercy, memory and peace offers mercy, especially, not as "forgiveness," but as deliberate decision and action. "Without mercy, without the willingness to desist from the punitive and destructive acts that remain within their power, there is no way for leaders in a war to bring their fighting to an end." This is an important book, one that thoughtful citizens should read, particularly those who want to move beyond over-simplified analyses to one grounded in historical and political realities.

sadly and innapropriately at best, Amy Goodman arrested

2008-09-02T03:57:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THMVJQUGJLM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYjyvkR0bGQ

i had a nightmare a while back about the secret service. i did nothing to maybe induce it. i've been taking a break from all that, but i think i need to dive back in to the degree that i can handle.

2008-09-01T16:46:00.000-07:00

i have forgot to mention on here that my roommates are the coolest. ryan has the coolest looking limo (interesting paint job, pastel colored pin work) which he used to shuttle people from downtown to the party saturday night.

the three of us made lasagna last night even though we were very tired from partying, and this morning i woke up to delicious blueberry pancakes.

2008-09-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

this is the list of bands that did not cancel, that really played the event. everyone was great. it is about half what we planned, but i think that some people expected more communication from us or something.

Fawn
Dennis Driscoll
Eli Moore
Buffalo Voice
White Boss
Ruth, Alice & Dana
Jack
The Sweaty Sweaters
Number Bear
The Slaves
Adrian Orange
Joey Casio
Psychic Housedress(she would have played but we ran out of time, crap!)
Peaches: Breaches
Generifus

2008-09-01T12:11:00.000-07:00

well, mikrofest xi was just at my house. i think we need to plan better next time. these things are surprisingly hard!

but people had a good time, for the most part. i think they were glad to be out on the farm. the night got started off roughly with a downpour on our festival, but it cleared up. however, most bands did not feel like playing on the outdoor stage/arena we created for the event, so everyone just played in the garage. and we were so very behind schedule all night. this got quite stressful.

my band is still a new lineup and we were kinda sloppy, partially because i was stressed, but i think we were really well-received, regardless. could get better in the future, i know. i should probably have my things on consignment in the local record stores because people seem to not bring money to these things, at night. i think they bring beer money, unfortunately.

sunday completely fell apart with all but one band that was scheduled to play canceling or not showing up, and everyone leaving around 8 am when things were scheduled to start at 11 am. there were a few people that biked out to the sunday show to no avail, but we played horseshoes and ate apples from trees instead and they seemed to enjoy that. we listened to
"the dusty tales" compilation that i am on, from europe, and it was really enjoyable. i have just recently discovered how much i love the comp.

i think i may be heading back to the dating game, only in a fun and light way. it feels better this way.

2008-08-29T13:24:00.000-07:00

i just made a list of all the things i have forgotten and missed and messed up over the summer and it is too long considering the few responsibilities i have.

i am thinking of dropping out of school because i don't feel in control or like i can handle the added stress. hmmm. maybe not, though. it could be good for me, plus this quarter i get lots of grant money. maybe i can talk to my professors and reduce the number of credits i am taking for the class.

at least school is very routine and that sort of thing is easier to remember. maybe i can have someone help remind me to do things that are not routine.

hard break up

2008-08-28T21:29:00.001-07:00

i just wrote this to a friend and thought it should probably be documented to describe this time in my life. changed it a bit, due to more thought being put into it. hope this doesn't cheapen the letter. this blog is to help me keep in touch with my family.

so here's the letter:

i am having some struggles to feel not dead but other than that i am well! can't complain too much, i have great friends, music to play, things to do................
it's just those crazy emotions.

my last relationship was a harsh awakening that sometimes everything can seem right and wonderful but the other person is not even on that page at all. i've been really sad about it.

over time it just seems like my ideas about what romance entails get thrown in the dirt. but i am trying to wish it all better, manifest something full and warm.

there is much more to life than this crazy stuff though and i am just going to be patient now. the wishing just makes it feel better.

i am hoping that the medication i am on is helpful. i guess it probably is to some degree. i know it helps me sleep. other than that i feel like i am in grief.

best friends

2008-08-26T03:41:00.000-07:00

little 4 yr old brixton says "recockulous" and no one knows where he got it from. pretty funny.

he is my friend scot's son. robin, his partner, is probably my best friend here in olympia. she played in my band the other night and brixton came to watch but ended up really wanting to be in the band so we let him (without volume on whatever he was playing). scot was a good sport about holding up the bass for him, and he was the cutest bass player/keyboardist ever.

another cute thing about brixton is that he voluntarily told me he loved me, out of the blue. the same day i heard scot refer to his friend stevie as "unlce stevie" so i questioned when i would achieve auntie status. so we told brixton to call me "auntie" and he threw his head back in laughter. but only after a few suggestions, it worked and i am "auntie ruth."

i love when robin and scot laugh really hard. robin has a loud laugh when you really get her and scot always loses his breath.

scot is the weirdest awesome friend i've ever had. he is really adamant about being generous all the time, in a sort of extreme way. when you are his friend you know it for sure. he just set up my guitar to sound really sweet and i can play it a lot easier. now i can start my band, "lazer blade".

robin is also good at showing you that she appreciates your friendship. two of the friendliest people--i'm glad they are together. it is exciting. it is also nice because we all like hanging out and we all are substance free.

i had a baby shower for robin on sunday. i was nervous about it because my house is far out and it was rainy outside. also, i did not feel i had prepared as well as i would have liked to because that show we played was the night before and those things are always a big deal to me. but it ended up great. the activities i planned were a hit--with the favorite being a onesie decorating contest. leala won first place with her simple "eject" design that featured an eject button on the snap away (crotch) part of the shirt. humor reigns.